My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character ~ Charles Barkley (dob 2/20/1963) an American retired professional basketball player and current analyst on the television program Inside the NBA.
Hearing a knock at his door Joe Truth shoved his beagle Dudley off his lap and got up to see who it was. Opening his front door Joe saw a young man in a suit standing there impatiently. "Can I help you?" Joe asked the stranger. "Yes", the man replied. "Are you Joe Truth?".
"Yes, that is me" Joe confirmed. "I am a process server from a law firm representing the actress Salma Hayek. The reason I am here is to deliver this to you"... the man withdrew some papers from his breast pocket and handed them to the confused Truth. "What are these?" Joe asked, accepting the documents.
"It's a cease and desist order that demands you immediately halt production of your Big Boob Headphones due to your unauthorized use of Salma Hayek's... shall we say, assets... on which you modeled your product. Lucky for you we found out about this before they actually went to market, otherwise you'd be facing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. Mrs. Hayek's lawyers are insisting you destroy the unauthorized product".
"What are you talking about, man?" Joe protested. "My headphones were modeled on the big boobs of some generic size 36C hooters, not the rack of this Hayek chick. An individual I've never heard of, for the record".
"Mrs. Hayek's lawyers do not believe this claim. First of all, you know her measurements off the top of your head, and secondly, you have Mrs. Hayek's picture displayed on the webpage where you announced your product. If you fail to comply and actually attempt to sell your headphones... you will be sued".
Joe Truth frowned as the man walked away. Suddenly his cell phone started vibrating. Removing it from his pocket Joe flipped it open and held it to his ear. "Hello, Joe Truth, CEO of Big Boob Headphones Inc here".
"It's your sole investor, William Hartenbaum" the voice on the phone said. William sounded angry. Joe wondered if William's anger had something to do with this lawsuit. "You jackass, Truth!" William shouted. "I just found out that you went ahead with the design for our headphones that we agreed you wouldn't use. The design modeled on the breasts of Salma Hayek".
"What makes you say that?" Joe asked innocently. "What makes me say that is a cease and desist order I was just served with. That, plus I just got off the phone with the manager of the manufacturing plant in Vietnam where our headphones were manufactured by slave labor. He faxed me a copy of the design specs you submitted".
"So what?" Joe asked. "So what? So they're the ones you had the designer draw up based on a picture and the measurements of Salma Hayek. The papers say we have to destroy the headphones or face further legal action".
"I swear I sent over the other design!" Joe protested. "No way, Joe. Hayek's lawyers have an inside source. They know the truth of the matter. And Hayek's picture is on the freaking box, for crying out loud! And speaking of the finished product, a cargo container of the headphones is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow. That's 50 thousand units that I, as your only investor, will have to take a complete loss on. Not only that but I'm going to have to pay to have them destroyed".
"That's a shame. I was eager for the profits to start rolling in so I could become a rich Republican who complains about paying his taxes" Joe lamented. "It is a shame, shithead" William replied. "Now I'm going to sue you, seeing as you're the one who fu*ked this up. By the way, I read what you wrote about me on your blog and didn't appreciate it".
"Oh, no!" Joe cried, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm finished!". Tears were running down Joe's face now; the fact was that he could not afford to reimburse William for 50 thousand headphones. He would probably lose everything. Could he declare bankruptcy? He'd have to call his lawyer immediately.
Hanging up on William, Joe went back inside and flopped down in his easy chair, first shooing Dudley out of it. He took a swig of his beer and reached for his sandwich. Gone. That darn Dudley must have eaten it. Damn! Mrs. Truth wasn't going to be happy about this. She had warned him that his Big Boobs headphones idea was a bad one. Why oh why didn't he listen? He had just finished publishing a post on his blog in which he called a number of people shitheads, but clearly the real shithead was Joe Truth.
Video 1 Description: Music video of the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "I'll Sue Ya", an original composition by Yankovic (not a parody) from the 2006 album Straight Outta Lynwood. This is the 4th cut on Al's 12th studio album (3:52).
Video 2 Description: Salma Hayek talks about her breasts on the David Letterman show, 6/25/2006 (1:42).