Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Republican Dreams Crushed By Big Boob Mistake

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character ~ Charles Barkley (dob 2/20/1963) an American retired professional basketball player and current analyst on the television program Inside the NBA.

Hearing a knock at his door Joe Truth shoved his beagle Dudley off his lap and got up to see who it was. Opening his front door Joe saw a young man in a suit standing there impatiently. "Can I help you?" Joe asked the stranger. "Yes", the man replied. "Are you Joe Truth?".

"Yes, that is me" Joe confirmed. "I am a process server from a law firm representing the actress Salma Hayek. The reason I am here is to deliver this to you"... the man withdrew some papers from his breast pocket and handed them to the confused Truth. "What are these?" Joe asked, accepting the documents.

"It's a cease and desist order that demands you immediately halt production of your Big Boob Headphones due to your unauthorized use of Salma Hayek's... shall we say, assets... on which you modeled your product. Lucky for you we found out about this before they actually went to market, otherwise you'd be facing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. Mrs. Hayek's lawyers are insisting you destroy the unauthorized product".

"What are you talking about, man?" Joe protested. "My headphones were modeled on the big boobs of some generic size 36C hooters, not the rack of this Hayek chick. An individual I've never heard of, for the record".

"Mrs. Hayek's lawyers do not believe this claim. First of all, you know her measurements off the top of your head, and secondly, you have Mrs. Hayek's picture displayed on the webpage where you announced your product. If you fail to comply and actually attempt to sell your headphones... you will be sued".

Joe Truth frowned as the man walked away. Suddenly his cell phone started vibrating. Removing it from his pocket Joe flipped it open and held it to his ear. "Hello, Joe Truth, CEO of Big Boob Headphones Inc here".

"It's your sole investor, William Hartenbaum" the voice on the phone said. William sounded angry. Joe wondered if William's anger had something to do with this lawsuit. "You jackass, Truth!" William shouted. "I just found out that you went ahead with the design for our headphones that we agreed you wouldn't use. The design modeled on the breasts of Salma Hayek".

"What makes you say that?" Joe asked innocently. "What makes me say that is a cease and desist order I was just served with. That, plus I just got off the phone with the manager of the manufacturing plant in Vietnam where our headphones were manufactured by slave labor. He faxed me a copy of the design specs you submitted".

"So what?" Joe asked. "So what? So they're the ones you had the designer draw up based on a picture and the measurements of Salma Hayek. The papers say we have to destroy the headphones or face further legal action".

"I swear I sent over the other design!" Joe protested. "No way, Joe. Hayek's lawyers have an inside source. They know the truth of the matter. And Hayek's picture is on the freaking box, for crying out loud! And speaking of the finished product, a cargo container of the headphones is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow. That's 50 thousand units that I, as your only investor, will have to take a complete loss on. Not only that but I'm going to have to pay to have them destroyed".

"That's a shame. I was eager for the profits to start rolling in so I could become a rich Republican who complains about paying his taxes" Joe lamented. "It is a shame, shithead" William replied. "Now I'm going to sue you, seeing as you're the one who fu*ked this up. By the way, I read what you wrote about me on your blog and didn't appreciate it".

"Oh, no!" Joe cried, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm finished!". Tears were running down Joe's face now; the fact was that he could not afford to reimburse William for 50 thousand headphones. He would probably lose everything. Could he declare bankruptcy? He'd have to call his lawyer immediately.

Hanging up on William, Joe went back inside and flopped down in his easy chair, first shooing Dudley out of it. He took a swig of his beer and reached for his sandwich. Gone. That darn Dudley must have eaten it. Damn! Mrs. Truth wasn't going to be happy about this. She had warned him that his Big Boobs headphones idea was a bad one. Why oh why didn't he listen? He had just finished publishing a post on his blog in which he called a number of people shitheads, but clearly the real shithead was Joe Truth.

Video 1 Description: Music video of the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "I'll Sue Ya", an original composition by Yankovic (not a parody) from the 2006 album Straight Outta Lynwood. This is the 4th cut on Al's 12th studio album (3:52).

Video 2 Description: Salma Hayek talks about her breasts on the David Letterman show, 6/25/2006 (1:42).

SWTD #198, PIF #20.

30 comments:

  1. Is this a little tit for tat, or are you trying to make Joe and William out to be big boobs? Maybe it will all turn out to be a big bust. I suspect you are trying to lift your sagging readership. I do enjoy keeping abreast of what you are doing.

    Well done, DS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's tit for tat in response to Joe deleting his three top posts and then calling me a shithead when I complained. That was after he called me "the whiniest fucker I ever saw".

      Specifically I objected to him deleting this post. This is the post you emailed me about. I intended on responding but he deleted it before I could. (FYI, the link is to an image of my reading list because, due to the fact that Joe only had this post up for 4 days, Google hadn't cached it yet).

      And yes, I noticed your use of double entendres. Ha, ha. :)

      Delete
  2. According to Joe Kelly's latest comment, I am a shithead and it is "final". Normally I wouldn't steal text (beyond a quote) from someone else's blog (excluding people I am feuding with, i.e. Will Hart). Especially text that was deleted. People have the right to do whatever they want on their blogs, and some might view it as rude to steal text from others and repost it on their blogs (me included). But, seeing as it is final that I am a "shithead", I may as well act like a shithead. So, given that, I will now repost commentaries deleted by Joe Kelly from his blog.

    BTW, some might also consider it rude to delete comments. Loyal readers took the time to read Joe's posts and compose a comment. The second two posts had a LOT of comments, and Joe wiped them out, because, according to him "I simply went through some posts to save the ones I thought were worth saving and delete the ones I didn't. Did it for a few minutes and got bored".

    I call BS on this explanation.

    I was able to recover the following posts deleted by Joe Kelly using the cache feature of Google (final two). The first one I was able to partially recover from my Blogger dashboard reading list. The remainder of the first post is gone, as it was (apparently) not posted long enough (only 4 days) to be cached by Google...

    Dr. Strangelove: Or how I learned to stop worrying and expose Will "The Phony Conservative" Hart and make Whirling Dervish smile.
    Friday, August 23, 2013

    It always makes me sad when good friends argue. Perhaps the saddest point of my blogging life was making the fierce defender of liberal causes, Whirling Dervish, sad when I told Will he was nuts. But what makes me sadder is the devolution of Will from simply a satirist posing as a conservative (he lives in Connecticut for God's sake! Unless you're a friend of the kooky Linda McMahon you can't be a conservative and live in Connecticut) to all around nut that denies climate change. Then Will, in his typically dishonest fashion, denies he's a denier. My feeling is that as a pseudo...

    [the post went on from here for awhile, but this short intro was all I was able to recover]

    The day Obama showed me the way and started the destruction of America
    MONDAY, MAY 13, 2013

    It was a warm summer day at my hometown's Clat/Adams park. Then the lowly state senator, Barry Obama visited on a campaign stop as he was running for U.S. Senate in Illinois. He made his speech with it's secret message of Islamic radicalism and disarming America and forcing women that aren't hot to wear burkas.

    His message touched me in ways I'd never been touched. Is there more to life than hedonism and golf and destroying America through Islamic radicalism? Barry answered the question for me. The answer is no. So I not only decided to play more golf and help Barry destroy America. I abandoned the secularity of Truth101 and THE ORACLE and embraced Obama's new way. I became the spiritual leader and religious authority of Obamanism.

    I know I've been away a long time. I've been busy writing Fatwas and exorcising evil doers who are trying to save America like Daniel Issa and Eric Cantor from our conscience. But know the work goes on in the service of Allah and Muhammad and His second coming, President Obama.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Truth101 The Merciless
    SATURDAY, MARCH 30, 2013

    Having been challenged to a duel by the outstanding and always entertaining blogger Whirling Dervish of the outstanding blog, Sleeping with the Devil, I am in a quandary.

    How can I in good conscience lay one of my famous smackdowns on someone I agree with on virtually every issue of importance.

    Would it be right of me, a kind and gentle ambassador to crush this pour guy's dreams of being as popular as me?

    My reputation precedes me as even the noted blogger Les of Rational Nation "refused to play my game" even though I wasn't playing one. How could I put poor WD through the hell of my wit and wrath when apparently I don't even have to try.

    Unleashing my wit and wrath just happens to happen I guess.

    Were WD a right wing, deluded and foolish republican this would be easy for me. Were he a pseudo righty like our mutual friend Will "Take no Prisoners" Hart, who's big mouth started this and hurt poor WD's feelings, it would be easy to lay the smackdown.

    No. At this time I must be the bigger man. I must act like the ambassador all who know and respect me know I am. I shall not at this time unleash my arsenal of, truth, wisdom and putdown on Whirling Dervish. Even though he has dedicated his last three posts to unleashing his arsenal of copying stuff I did on me. One of which I did read but unfortunately did not leave a comment on his blog which made WD sad. I did not wish to make WD sad. I want to lift his spirits. But sometimes other, more important things come up which take precedence over leaving a comment on even an outstanding blog like WD's Sleeping with the Devil. In this instance I think there was a rerun of Big Bang Theory I'd only seen 37 times that I felt needed to be watched again rather than the almost as important task of leaving a comment on WD's outstanding blog.

    So I'm sorry Whirling Dervish. I must stay above the fray and not subject you to the pain of my wrath. You're a fine man and the Left is fortunate to have you on it's side. When I say you're "nuts" I do mean that in a good way. Like Ralph Nader was nuts but remember we have safer cars and appliances for his nuttery. Or a guy that's nuts for a "magnificent pair" as former Governor Mark Sanford was and still is I would hope. If he's not he's nuts.

    May God bless you Whirling Dervish. And may God bless America.

    ReplyDelete


  4. .......and Igor told Dr. Fronkenstein....... well done,DS.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually, Rusty, if you had ever read the book, you would know that Dr Frankenstein's assistant was named Fritz.

    ReplyDelete


  6. Donkey......I am talking about Young Frankenstein........get a clue Igor....or maybe you are Abby Normal.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Of course! A movie, not the book. Like I said, if you had read the book.... But then, I doubt reading is an activity you engage in much.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Selma is beautiful, intelligent, a down to earth women, has talent, and yes, is hot and has ample breasts. The Gods treated here kindly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Comment by RN that could invite off-topic replies will not be posted. I've simply had enough. Hopefully this will make RN happy and we can be friends now?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Opps, wrong blog. My sincere apology.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, this is the right blog. The right blog to come to if one is looking for the truth. Could be why RN decided this was the "wrong" blog? He isn't looking for the truth?

      Delete


  11. Dervy....let me get this straight.....you comment 8-10 times a day on Will's blog knowing they will all be deleted? Son,you really need to get some sort of life or at least make better use of your time. I mean....that doesn't seem a bit off kilter to you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. Will lied about that. I submit some (which he reads) but not that many. That is an exaggeration. All are short, in any case. No more a waste of time than you commenting here. Comments that I have begun to ignore, for the most part, seeing as they usually make little or no sense.

      In any case, there is something I'd like to get straight... is it true that Rusty made some ignorant comments about Iran being an Arab country (when it is actually Persian) on RN's blog and several commenters tore Rusty a new one? I heard that Rusty slunk out of there with his tail between his legs because he thought the commenters on RN's blog would be receptive to his Islamophobia and was shocked when nobody else indicated they agreed with his hatred for Muslims. Correct me if I'm wrong about that, Rusty.

      Question is, will Rusty post on RN's blog again or stay where it is safe on Will's blog?

      Delete
    2. Islamophobia? Hatred of Muslims? Wow... talk about confusion. Rusty's comments about Arabs and Iranians were about ethnic groups, not religion. It is at least as ignorant to confuse Arab with Muslim as it is to confuse Arab with Iranian. Now that I have pointed this major mistake of yours out, question is, will you still post on this blog?

      Delete
    3. You're the one who chastised Rusty, Dennis the printer guy. Now you're stretching to insult me? Rusty was clear he didn't care about the ethnicity of the populations of Syria or Iran. So why did he want the Syrians to kill each other? Clearly because they are all Muslims (Islam being the DOMINANT religion in both countries). No confusion or ignorance from me. And yes, I'm going to continue posting on my own blog.

      Delete
  12. I made the same assumption Will Hart did...

    Will Hart: Russ probably meant to say, Muslim countries, and not to confuse the Arabs with the Kurds, Persians, Pashtuns, Javanese, etc.. Or at least that would be my guess.

    So, I assume "Dennis the printer guy" is going to levy the same "talk about confusion" insult against Will that he made against me?

    ReplyDelete
  13. WD said: " So why did he want the Syrians to kill each other? Clearly because they are all Muslims (Islam being the DOMINANT religion in both countries). No confusion or ignorance from me"

    All confusion and imagination from you. There is no "clearly": Rusty was talking about Arabs. Will made a guess: just a guess, and unlike you he didn't run with his guess and lie and put words into Rusty's mouth.

    Finally, "talk about confusion" is not an insult, but an accurate description for you not knowing the difference between the terms "Arab" and "Islam".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know the difference, Dennis the printer guy. All one has to do is read Rusty's comments to realize how little he cares for the lives of his fellow human beings. That isn't "imagination" or putting words in anyone's mouths.

      Delete


  14. Dervy....why on earth would you be concerned how I feel about my fellow human beings?

    Actually Dervy, I do in fact care about the well being of some fellow humans......family,friends,people who contribute,our soldiers and job creators.

    I do not give a flying fuck for those who live their lives sucking the public teat,takers,welfare queens,idiots walking around with their pants down around their asses,dopes with neck tattoo's,thugs,Islamic Radicals and jerks in general.....now Dervy,which group would identify with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What about innocent people caught in the crossfire of Syria's civil war. People who are Muslim but don't identify with Al Qaeda? How do you feel about those people?

      And I do not identify with any of those groups of people Rusty just acknowledged hatred for. BTW, the "jerks in general" category covers you. Are you telling us that you hate yourself? Plenty of reasons for you to feel that way, so I would not blame you if you did. In fact, if you're acknowledging your problem perhaps there is hope for you.

      Delete


  15. Dervy,son you talk like fourteen year old dufuss....can you understand why no one has respect for you.....son,I never said I hated anyone...what I said was there are a large group of unproductive humans I don't give a flying fuck about....never said I hated anyone.....Dervy,if you are going dufuss it up,at least be a correct dufuss...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Arabs are unproductive? ALL of them?

      Delete
  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Comment by Rusty removed because I am sick to death of his assholeishness.

      Delete


  17. Ahhh, the truth is painful to Dervy....looks like Rusty touched Dervy's truth nerve.....Derv....should I put my comment on Will's......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Knock yourself out Rusty. I can't control what you do on other blogs. I'm sure your delusions and imaginations about me will be greeted with nothing but agreement from Will, Dennis and RN. You are all "productive" members of society, after all. Or Rusty likes to pretend he is, at least. If one believes suckering people out of their hard earned cash is "productive". As someone who works in the "gaming" industry I say Rusty most certainly qualifies as a "taker".

      Delete
  18. Rusty moving his commenting to Will"s blog will improve the comment quality on both blogs...well, at least there will be a large increase on your blog. I guess Rusty is already doing his 'best' on Will's blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rusty's asinine (deleted) comment concerned me being a taker.

      Delete


  19. and Igor said......"yes master"

    ReplyDelete

Comment moderation has temporarily been suspended. Although I may be forced to reinstate it if the trolls take advantage.