Wednesday, May 01, 2013

A Society For Higher Ordered Persons (AKA Stuck Up Know-it-All A-Holes)

None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth: they trust in vanity, and speak lies; they conceive mischief, and bring forth iniquity ~ Quote from the Christian Bible, Isaiah 59:4.

"I have a blog called Contra O'Reilly. The name is in reference to my desire to see partisan stooges like Bill O'Reilly (on the Right) and Rachel Maddow (on the Left) lose their audiences and be forced off the air. But, more importantly, and exactly why I direct your attention to it... this blog is where I espouse the ideals of political moderation that make up the bedrock of the The Higher Ordered Person's Society. HOPS is a place for politically mature persons such as ourselves", William Hartenbaum concluded.

There was light applause, and everyone in attendance smiled and nodded their heads, appreciating the compliment the speaker had paid them. "The reason I invited you to The Quarry tonight is because my friend and associate Mark Uston tells me that you are all superior people, and thus just the kind of individuals the Society is looking for".

"I agree with Mr. Hartenbaum", declared a distinguished looking gentleman who resembled Matt Lauer. "Even though I consider myself a Liberal, I very much admire William's blog. Although that is probably because I'm not one of the radical fringe types that are often more than a little nuts".

"I thank you for the compliment, Joe Truth. Even though we are primarily an organization that appeals to center of the road Blue Dog Democrats and socially liberal Republicans, we welcome persons of all political persuasions, so long as their views aren't too extreme. It's the extremes that are equally to blame for the inability of our legislators in Washington to compromise. These are the simpletons who see everything in black and white terms. For them politics is like 1970s wrestling. Their side represents the good guys and the other side is comprised of bad guys".

The ruckus from the table next to them suddenly became to much for William Hartenbaum to bear. He stopped talking when one of the group stood, sliding his chair back and slamming into the back of William's chair. He spun around, seething with rage. "Do you mind keeping it down", he angrily growled at the man who had just stood. "I'm sorry" said the man. Then the man slide his chair in and walked away toward the restrooms. Mark began to speak, but William tuned out his voice. Instead he listened to the group at the table next to theirs.

"I propose a fund raiser in order to keep the homeless shelter that Johnny MooMoo started operational" a familiar voice suggested. It was that jerk Cliff Thesage. A local do-gooder who, for reasons not clear to William, was an associate of his friend Slade Leeds, the proprietor of restaurant and bar they were currently dining in.

"I propose a black and white tie affair, at $500 a plate", Cliff continued. "To be held in this very establishment. With the primary financier missing and presumed dead, the shelter has been experiencing serious cash flow problems". "That sounds like an excellent suggestion Cliff", an unknown woman at the table remarked.

"I'm glad to hear that" Cliff agreed. "I'm personal friends with the owner of the The Quarry, so there won't be any trouble setting it up. I charge each of you with contacting your friends. We need to get the word out. The shelter must be kept open in tribute to our good friend Johnny MooMoo, who, as you know, was just declared legally dead, even though his body was never located".

William saw red when Cliff voiced his determination to keep the homeless shelter open. William owned property in the area, and didn't like the idea of this magnet for undesirables being located in his neighborhood. William was fairly certain MooMoo's body would never be found, but the news that the shelter was not closing was disturbing.

Everyone had expected it to close with MooMoo's disappearance, but funding from an unknown donor kept it open. Now, with MooMoo being declared dead, the implementation of his final wishes would assure that the shelter would be kept open indefinitely, as William recently learned - via an article in the local paper concerning the reading of MooMoo's will. Seems that the bleeding heart Liberal had set aside a substantial amount of his wealth for that purpose.

"Hey, Cliff, what makes you think you and your do-gooder friends are welcome here?" William shouted. "What the hell are you blathering about Hartenbaum", Cliff shot back. "I called Slade personally and made a reservation", he added, then went back to talking with the patrons at his table. "What a rude fu*ker, turning his back on me", William said under his breath. But he decided not to pursue it any further. Cliff would get what was coming to him.

Mark had finished his pitch and now it was time to collect the membership dues. The half dozen people seated at the table took out their checkbooks and began filling in amounts starting at 500 dollars for a basic membership, up to 2 thousand dollars for the super platinum package. "Let's see how many of these dickheads pony up for super platinum", William whispered in Mark's ear.

Mark smiled, familiar with the grift. William buttered up the pigeons, and Mark completed the sales pitch. Now it was time to collect the spoils. Not that either of them needed the money. Most of it would be blown on parties that only the more Conservative members were invited to. Parties that included strippers, fine whiskey and blow.

"Hey, I heard that Liberal blogger you detest was arrested today", Mark informed his friend. "Indeed he was", William said, grinning widely. "I have it on good authority that he'll be sent away for several years of butt raping", William chuckled. But Mark cautioned that premature celebration might not be warranted.

"I heard that Dervish's lawyer filed for a change of venue, arguing he couldn't get a fair trial in this jurisdiction", Mark said. And he was in a position to know, given that his brother was the DA. "Well, we'll have to use our HOPS connections to ensure that does not happen", William replied sternly. "Dervish can not be allowed to get off lightly after what he did to Tony".

"Tony is that cop friend of yours?", Mark asked. "Yes", William replied, growing annoyed. "You look annoyed", Mark said, observing the expression on William's face. "Yeah, take a look at this", William complained, holding up one of the checks Mark had handed him earlier. "It's Joe Truth's check. I was sure he'd go for the super platinum membership, but this is only made out for 500 bucks. I expected a little gratitude after agreeing to invest in his company. It's pay to play and Joe needs to grease the wheels a little" William concluded handing the check back to Mark.

"I want you to convince Joe that a super platinum membership is in his best interest".

SWTD #141, PIF #18.

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