Saturday, May 18, 2013

Don't Tase Me To Death, Officer

"Don't tase me, bro" is an utterance emitted by University of Florida student Andrew Meyer on the evening of September 17, 2007 in efforts to ward off the vicious bite of a police taser after he was detained for getting uppity at a forum with U.S. Senator John Kerry ~ An entry from the Urban Dictionary, which is "a Web-based dictionary of slang words and phrases".

My friend Jed wouldn't stop hollering at me. It was a waste of money to pay for me to attend a sporting event that I slept through. How dare I? he demanded to know. I apologized but reminded him that I did not like sport and had warned him beforehand that I thought it was boring. But my friend continued to complain the entire ride home.

"What are you, gay?" Jed asked. "No, but that is a homophobic comment if ever I heard one", I retorted. "I've had it with you", Jed suddenly yelled as he slammed on the breaks. "Get the hell out" he ordered with a stern face. "No way", I replied. "We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm not going anywhere. You're taking me home".

Then my friend began screaming loudly. Clearly he had lost it. I sat there while Jed screamed until he was red in the face. Exhausted, he finally relented. "I'm not a homophobe", he finally said after several minutes of silence. Just then a siren blared and a pair of flashing red lights appeared in the rear view mirror. "Great, the cops" Jed muttered. A few moments later there was a tap on the driver's side window. Jed rolled it down and asked, "what seems to be the trouble, officer"?

"You're not allowed to pull over here unless there is an emergency", the cop informed my friend. "What?" Jed asked, clearly confused. "There are signs all along this section of the highway", the officer explained. "If there is no emergency I ask that you please be on your way" the officer instructed. Jed fumbled for his keys. "Certainly officer. I apologize for the mistake. I did not see the signs" Jed sputtered, clearly worried he might get a ticket.

"Hold up" the officer instructed. "I think I'm going to give you a ticket after all" he added, pulling out his ticket clipboard. "It was an honest mistake", Jed protested. "Please don't give me a ticket" he pleaded. Suddenly Jed began to cry. He tried to stifle his sobs but was unsuccessful. Soon he was bawling like a little baby.

"What's with this bullsh*t?" the officer growled. "It would be one thing if you were a beautiful chick, but a dude crying is going to get no sympathy from me. Forget the ticket, I'm going to arrest you and have your car impounded" the officer shouted (in order to be heard over the increasing loud wailing emanating from my friend).

"Stop crying and get out of the vehicle before I'm forced to tase you" the officer yelled. "No", Jed said, calming down a little. "It was an honest mistake and you have no cause to arrest me", he defiantly proclaimed. "That's it" the officer decided, pulling out his taser and taking aim. Then he depressed the trigger and a projectile with a thin wire attached shot out and pierced Jed's flesh. Jed screamed in agony as a jolt of electricity coursed through his body.

The cop removed his finger from the trigger and Jed's head slumped forward. Seemingly he was unconscious. "Stop faking unconsciousness and exit the vehicle" the cop screamed. Jed did not respond. I grabbed hold of his wrist and felt for a pulse, but there was none. "He needs CPR" I shouted. The officer opened the door and dragged Jed's limp body from the vehicle, depositing him roughly on the pavement. "MFer, I think you're right" the officer remarked, his face ashen.

Quickly the lawman began CPR, depressing Jed's chest and alternately blowing air into his mouth. But it did not work. Jed was dead from an apparent heart attack. "Jesus H. Christ, what a pu*sy" the angry cop bellowed, jumping to his feet and kicking Jed violently in the gut. It was probably a half-dozen more kicks to the belly before officer friendly finally stopped.

"Violent crack dealers", he suddenly said. "What?" I asked. "You and your friend", the officer explained, "are violent crack dealers who attacked me when I pulled you over. I had no choice but to defend myself". Then he pulled his gun and took aim directly at my chest. "Bang, you're dead", he shouted, firing. I felt myself falling, then my head struck the concrete and everything went black.

SWTD #152, TI #2.


  1. What happens next? Do you want to know? If so please leave a comment indicating your desire to read whether I live or die. Thanks.

    1. You must be alive since this is fiction. In real life you would be dead.

  2. Just because the story is in the first person does not me the character is literally me. Thus he could live or he could die. Anyway, since I already began writing a follow-up I'd say it is a safe bet that I live. But nobody will know exactly why or how unless I finish writing it and publish it... which is really the question I was asking if you get down to it... should I publish another installment?

    In other news it looks like I just got myself banned from the Irrational Nation website. RN and dmarks came to a mutual decision that they could stand no more of my willful ignorance. As I only recently started commenting there I must say that it certainly did not take long.

  3. If you publish, I will read.

  4. At least RN has admitted (his post today) that he was wrong over the decades to support Republicans. Making a few mistakes is excusable, but being wrong for 30 years only proves what an idiot he is.

  5. Anonymous (I presume you are "X-Anon"?) If you follow the RN blog you'll have seen a comment from me where I say RN supported the Iraq war. Of course everyone jumped on that and declared me a liar and delusional, but that was a mistake. I meant to say he supported the Afghanistan war. It was just a dumb mistake, not a lie or a delusion. I submitted a comment clarifying my error, but of course RN refused to publish it. Anyway, it isn't if I care that I was banned. I wasn't desperate to comment there anyway.

    dmarks' delusions of bush lying about WMD Iraq didn't have continue. But I'm delusional for believing bush lied when 72 percent of Democrats agree with me. Although "63 percent of Republican respondents still believed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction when the U.S. invaded in 2003", whereas only "27 percent of independents and 15 percent of Democrats" believe they did.

    So does that mean that I'm deluded as far as partisans like RN and dmarks are concerned because I'm a Democrat, and I think they're delusional because they're Libertarian/Republican. I say no, because the truth matters.

    bush DID lie about Iraq having WMD. The weapons inspectors said so! They were the ones on the ground so they (better than anyone) should know. Also, RN, Will and dmarks ALL defend bush on this (despite the truth being so obvious). It doesn't matter that RN and Will both say bush was a bad president. They refuse to acknowledge bush's obvious lies... and when I point this out I'm labeled "WDelusional".

  6. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to prove them wrong, to them. Truth of facts are on your side, but don't expect people like RN and Dmarks to change and accept your facts. RN admits he was wrong for decades, but still writes posts praising people like Palin and West. He won't change even if he admits he was wrong. These are delusional, stupid people you are dealing with, not to mention dishonest. Of course he won't allow you to post anything that makes him look bad, or you look good.

  7. I don't think it is worth the effort to get into an extended back-and-forth with them. Simple state your position and proved the facts. They will try to refute you. Let them. Other readers can judge for themselves.


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