The Inappropriate Bedtime Story

"Can you tell me a bedtime story, Dad"?

Nathan Williams, a divorced dad, sat down on a chair next to his eight-year-old offspring's mattress.

"Of course, son". He thought, digging deep into his imagination. Then he began.

There was a beautiful Hawaiian woman named Lois. One evening, when she was walking on a starlit beach wearing a sexy red bikini, she noticed a falling star.

That is when she decided to make a wish. And so she did. She wished for her life to be more interesting.

Now Lois, I should tell you, was a looker. A little over 20, so completely legal. She has a glowing complexion with creamy brown skin and jet black flowing flaxen hair. She also has an hourglass figure, if you know what I mean. Which means she is stacked and rocking some junk in the trunk.

Anyway, Lois walks along the beach near her home in Hawaii, like I said. She lives in a bungalow right on the beach, so I don't know what she is complaining about or why she longs for her life to be more interesting.

But, for the purposes of the story, let's say she is very bored for some reason. Well, that is about to change. This very night, in fact.

She was almost home when, to her surprise, she encounters a small blue chibi monster. The creature wears a chrome colored space suit that gleams under the glittering moonlit sky.

"Good evening, mam. I am a lost traveler and was wondering if you could offer assistance?" is what the chibi says.

Lois was taken aback. A talking chibi, in real life? Could it be a drunken hallucination? Or perhaps she decided to try those psychedelic mushrooms her uncle gave her?

She decided that must be it. She scarfed the mushrooms and was currently tripping balls. Oh, also I forgot to mention that earlier Louis was jogging along the beach. It was like the opening of Baywatch when the hot lifeguard babe runs in slow motion, while her tits are bouncing.

But back to the alien chibi. What he claims is that he and his family from Alpha Centauri were sightseeing on Earth when their spacecraft started having engine troubles. What I mean is that the family is humanoid, and Stitcher was like the family pet.

Oh, and he says his name is Stitcher. Also that the Mom, Dad and son alien died in the crash. They were completely vaporized when their ship exploded. Though Stitcher jumped out right before that happened.

Now he was really ticked off, more so than sad. He barely knew those people, it turns out. They had just adopted him from the space pound and he thought the son was kind of a turd.

What he was angry about was being stuck on a backwater planet like Earth. Also, he was tired and hungry.

"You have a place near here where you can hook me up with some grub?"

Stitcher said he could pay. Then he removed a ruby-studded collar from around his neck. Instantly Lois was captivated. Because, you know, chicks love expensive jewelry.

So Lois agreed to help. Her place was right there, in fact. She lived alone, having inherited the oceanside bungalow from her dad, who died in a car crash a few years ago.

"But I loved my dad. So, it is unlike the situation with you and your family".

That is what she told Stitcher as she made him a sandwich. He went on about how he might be happy that his owners were dead, if that didn't involve him being stuck on a jerkwater like Earth.

Lois went to the closet and got a blanket. She told Stitcher he could spend the night on her living room couch. So he did, after removing his space suit.

Lois sat on the couch and flipped on her TV. What was on was that Real Housewives show. That's the kind of garbage TV women like. Stitcher sat next to her.

"You are very cute", she said as she gave him some pets. This is due to Stitcher being a chibi. Not because she was sexually attracted to him or anything.

Well, the next morning Lois is in for the shock of her life when she discovers that what happened the night before wasn't a psychedelic head trip, but real life.

The evidence was right in front of her. Which was an alien creature curled up asleep on her couch. She was about to go for her morning run and swim in the ocean when she noticed Stitcher, snoring. Right there on her couch.

"I was hoping it was a bad dream", the alien said, stretching his arms and yawning. "You wax down there?" he asked. Well, obviously the answer was yes, as he could see. Given that Lois was completely naked.

"I just got out of the shower when I heard snoring", the nude woman explained. She didn't feel self conscious, due to people usually not caring about being naked around pets.

Though she noticed Stitcher was staring at her, which did make her uncomfortable. So she put on a robe. It was a silky pink number that didn't conceal much.

Just then there was a knock at the door. It is a government agent named Snake Pliskinowitz. He's a Man in Black, investigating the alien sighting. Also, his superiors tracked the ship on radar.

"I'm from the national weather service. I'm looking for a downed weather balloon", he lied. Snake, a large African American man, left his card and asked Lois to call him if she saw something like a weather balloon. Or anything at all suspicious.

Snake lowered his Ray-Bans to get a better look at Lois, standing there in her doorway wearing the several-sizes-too-small pink robe.

"I'll do that", she replied as she accepted his card, then closed the door. Clearly this agent was looking for Stitcher. This is quite interesting, Lois thought, remembering her wish on the shooting star.

Though, perhaps, instead of a shooting star, what she saw was the alien spaceship exploding? She decided that seemed most likely.

Stitcher, curious about who was at the door, asked Lois who it was.

"A jackbooted government thug obviously looking for you", she replied. "I don't want trouble, so perhaps you should go".

Stitcher held up the ruby collar, which he hadn't given to Lois yet. He speculated it was worth a lot in her Earth currency. In fact, the value of it was quite significant.

Ethan interrupted his father. "But what will she do with it? She can't sell it, because she can't explain how she came by it".

Nathan considered what his son said. "I suppose you have a point, son". What would Lois do with a valuable piece of jewelry she couldn't sell? He was going to have her greedily accept the ruby collar, seeing only dollar signs. Though, she might be dumb and not realize it would be difficult to exchange for cash.

Nathan decided. "Lois takes the ruby collar and agrees to help Stitcher".

But he could see his son wasn't believing this turn of events.

"I'll accept this ruby collar and help you, provided I can fence it", Lois concluded. "My uncle might know a guy".

Stitcher looked disappointed, but agreed. Though he snapped the collar around his neck, then fluffed his fur over it, concealing its presence. "I'll hold on to it for now. It's no biggie to me, by the way. Rubies are plentiful in my universe and not that valuable. But I heard they are worth a lot here".

But Lois had other concerns. If Stitcher was stuck on Earth due to his ship exploding, did that mean he wanted to live with her permanently? Or for an extended period of time? How long did he think he could stay here? Because the government was obviously looking for his spaceship.

Stitcher decided to come clean. "My family's saucer wasn't vaporized. They landed for a picnic and that's when I murdered them. Though, Mr. Gleepglorp, right before he died, disabled the saucer. Otherwise I'd be outta here already".

Stitcher noticed a look of alarm on Lois's face. So he assured her she had nothing to worry about. He explained that the Gleepglorps were bad people. Anyway, the long and short of it was that Mr. Gleepglorp, realizing he was about to die -- and after seeing his wife and son brutally murdered by Stitcher, who, not to get too graphic, slashed their throats with his sharp claws -- smashed the flying saucer's power crystal.

So Stitcher, who insisted he could pilot the ship, was out of luck unless he could get a replacement power crystal. A power crystal replacement? Lois didn't know if she could help Stitcher with that. Or if she wanted to, given his shocking confession.

I'll skip ahead here a bit and say that Lois contacted her uncle who said he knew a guy who could fence the rubies for a 50 percent cut. And launder her cut for another 30 percent, leaving her with 20 percent. A man came, examined the collar and concluded it was worth 2 million dollars, though said the best he could do was four hundred thousand dollars, clean money.

As it turned out, Lois was an artist and had her own studio. So the man said a friend would commission her to create a unique piece of art. It could be something she already had. They went to her studio downtown and he pointed to an abstract painting. "I'll have someone pick it up and pay in cash". His cover is that he is a representative for a wealthy Saudi who saw Lois featured in a snooty art magazine and decided he had to have a Lois Ailana original.

Nathan took out his phone and checked a search engine. "That's a Hawaiian last name", he told his son. And Lois Ailana was in an art magazine recently as a Hawaiian artist. So everything checks out and it is all very plausible.

After that Lois and Stitcher buried the bodies and hid the spaceship. Lois noticed that the slaughtered alien family looked quite human. Except they had green skin and bug eyes. Stitcher, before they buried Mr. Gleepglorp, removed a set of keys from his pocket. Then he went to the spaceship, after rolling Gleepglorp into his grave and shoveling earth over his body, opened the trunk.

"Here are the raw materials for constructing a new power crystal", Stitcher commented. There were three burlap sacks, each one filled with a strange glowing powder. He explained that what he needed to do was mix them up and compress them under an incredible weight for a few weeks, and *presto* they would form a new power crystal.

"Here is the machine that can do the compressing", Stitcher explained, patting a strange machine that was also in the trunk. He opened a cap on top of the machine, poured in some crystals, closed the cap, and flipped a switch. A green light on the machine lit up and it started humming. Presumably the compression process was initiated.

"Is that it?" Lois asked.

"Well, like I said, it will take a few weeks, but yes. Gleepglorp didn't know I was aware he was a black market crystal smuggler. These powders are invaluable", Stitcher remarked, pointing to the glowing crystalline substance in the sacks. Then he closed the trunk. After that he and Lois covered the small saucer (about the size of a compact car) with bamboo stalks that Stitcher cut down using his sharp retractable claws. And also some palm fronds, concealing the ship.

Lois was sweaty and tired, but they continued working though the night under the stars. After they were finished, Lois stood back and examined their handiwork. "Lucky for you this is public land, held in trust by the Kamehameha Schools. I think it should stay hidden".

Stitcher held the keyring. Then extended it and clicked a button on a small black box. He explained that he activated the cloak, so that should help as well. But, without the power crystal, it is running on reserve power. "I don't know how long it will last, but not weeks".

Lois got her 400 thousand, wired into her account instead of cash. The bank looked into it and concluded (incorrectly) the transfer was totally on the up and up. Then she and Stitcher spent the next few weeks hanging out on the beach. Lois brought a large cooler Stitcher could crawl into if they saw anyone. That way they kept an eye on the hidden saucer.

One day, after Lois emerged from the surf and stuck her board in the sand, then laid out in the sun, Stitcher opened up to her. That's when the real truth came out. As it turns out, the Gleepglorps were not just picnicking on Earth. They had come for a reason. The reason was to snatch a human child.

"Oh, my!" Lois exclaimed. "For what reason?"

Stitcher said they wanted a human child for a pet. "They had one previously, but it got sick and died. That was before they adopted me. But I saw the pictures. I asked about them, and the son, Ollie, told me that was his old pet, Matt. It seems Matt fell ill with some alien flu and couldn't be saved. They took him to the vet, but it was no use. If you get the langour it's fatal 9 out of 10 times. For humans".

"Turns out I was a replacement pet. But Ollie decided I wasn't good enough. I found out when the picnic was over. Everyone piled into the saucer. When I tried to get in, Stan said, not you, Stitcher. You're staying here. We're off to pick up a replacement human youngling elsewhere on the island. Ollie doesn't want you anymore".

"That's when I lost it. I cried out to Ollie. He jumped out of the saucer and laughed. Then he wiggled his behind and did a dance as he continued laughing. That's when I flew a rage".

Stitcher has retractable claws, similar to Wolverine. Nathan decided that sounded cool. He ran right at Ollie and slashed at his abdomen, slicing him open and spilling his intestines. Ollie's mom, Gladys, screeched, as chicks do. Even alien ones. She ran to her son. But that was her error. Stitcher made mincemeat of her with another slash of a razor sharp claw.

For the record, he had never revealed he had these claws before. He kept them secret. Ordinarily chibi don't have such claws, but Stitcher, unknown to the Gleepglorps, was the subject of forbidden genetic experiments. Anyway, as was revealed previously, the dad was the last to go, but he removed the saucer power crystal from the dashboard first and smashed it. He didn't want Stitcher to take the saucer and escape Earth.

Stitcher sniffed. "So that's the whole ugly story. I lost my temper". Then he thought about it. "But I did save a human youngling from being taken as a pet". This, he decided, sounded like a good justification for what he did.

Lois decided she didn't care about the murdered alien family who had planned to take a human child as a pet. If what Stitcher told her was true, and she believed it was. Stitcher opened up to her and what he said seemed genuine to her.

Just then Lois notices a man walking along the beach. He really stands out, due to being quite tall and muscular. Also because he is wearing a black suit instead of beach attire. Stitcher crawled into the cooler to hide as the man drew near. Lois recognized him as Snake Pliskinowitz, the man who said he was looking for a weather balloon, but was surely a government agent. One of those men in black, like in the movie with Will Smith. This was like 20 years before you were born. So, well before he slapped Chris Rock.

Snake drew near. He loomed over Lois, stretched out on her towel and wearing her sexy red bikini. He stood there and said nothing. He just stared at her.

"Did you find the weather balloon?" Lois asked, smiling while Stitcher hid in the cooler.

"No, I did not", Snake replied. Then he fell silent again, not elaborating or making any small talk.

Lois was growing uncomfortable, but decided to remain calm. What did this government man want?

"You have any cool drinks in there?" Snake asked, wiping sweat from his brow. "It is so hot today".

"In my cooler? No, sorry, I just cracked open the last one". Lois held up a brightly colored soda can.

Snake eyed the can. "Can I have a drink?"

Snake took the can and drank the contents in one gulp. "This is warm".

Lois said the ice in her cooler melted. That explained the warm soda. When the real explanation is that there had never been any ice, of course.

"I heard that someone saw something up the beach. I'm here to investigate", Snake remarked as he handed the empty can to Lois. "A citizen I interviewed said they saw flashing lights about 2 weeks back in this area. They assumed it was a falling star".

Now Lois was starting to panic. Would Snake find the hidden alien saucer?

"This same person said they noticed you spending much more time on the beach. Much more time than normal".

Lois explained that she was doing a lot of surfing to enter a competition. But Snake looked suspicious. He nodded and walked away, heading up the beach in the direction of the concealed saucer.

Ethan looked concerned. "Is the jig up, dad?"

"It looks like it, son", Nathan replied. Which is the same thing Stitcher concluded. So he silently removed the lid of the cooler and, after looking around and seeing nobody else on the beach, ran up behind the government agent, leaping on his back, and then using his claws to slash his throat. Snake Pliskinowitz, gurgling as blood gushed from his open carotid artery, fell to his knees. He quickly bled out and, his eyelids fluttering, died.

Lois, being a chick, started freaking out. She cried and fretted, concerned about going to prison as an accessory to homicide. Or worse, government agents would, when they captured Stitcher, spirit her away to some black site for interrogation and then imprisonment. But Stitcher persuaded her to calm down. He said that what is done is done.

Then he suggested that Lois accompany him. He knew of a planet in Alpha Centauri B that was almost exactly like earth. Except it was a total paradise. The Gleepglorps traveled to Earth instead because it was free to picnic on Earth and they were total cheapskates. Why they decided to snatch a human child for a pet themselves, instead of buying one on the black market.

However, Stitcher explained, after he sold the crystals they could live like kings on Canis Planeta, which was the name of the planet that was very much like Hawaii. Though the inhabitants intensely disliked insectoids, which the Gleepglorps were. Their kind was banned from the planet.

Lois worried, concerned about leaving her entire life behind. But it seemed she had little choice. Stitcher agreed there was enough time for her to return home and gather a few prized possessions. Though, knowing how chicks overpack, he reminded her there was not much room in the saucer. One suitcase only, he said. Lois reluctantly agreed. She couldn't believe she was leaving Earth, possibly forever. But she had wished for her life to be more interesting, and this definitely fit the bill.

"It is getting late son, so perhaps I should wrap this up", Nathan interjected. Seeing as how engrossed Ethan was, he suggested they continue the story on another night.

"At least let me know if Lois and Stitcher leave Earth together", Ethan begged.

Nathan agreed this sounded reasonable. So he confirmed that they did. Continuing on he summed up their departure. There is a wormhole on the far side of the sun. Curious about the state of things on the dark side of the Sun, they set down and looked around. But I can tell you about that next time. After exploring the Sun for some time, they proceeded on to the wormhole.

Naturally, Ethan was doubting that a spaceship could land on the Sun. "You would think that would be impossible", Nathan said agreeing. But, he claimed, that would be an incorrect assumption. Though this was a teaser. Ethan would have to wait until later to find out about the interesting things Lois and Stitcher discovered while sightseeing on the much cooler and darker side of the Sun.

Ethan indicated that he didn't think there was a dark side of the Sun. But Nathan, intrigued by the idea, told his son he would have to wait, because the story would be epic. Anyway, to sum up some more, after that Lois and Stitcher sold the energy crystals which netted them a boatload of Space credits, which is an interplanetary currency. Then they settled down on the dog planet.

Over the next few months together Lois and Stitcher became friends. This was while relaxing on the sun-drenched beaches, sipping exotic alcoholic beverages, and surfing. It turned out that the waves on this planet were mythic. Lois purchased a high end surf board and spent many hours getting accustomed to the waves on her new planet of residence.

She also purchased an even more revealing string bikini, which she wore most of the time. She also did some nude sunbathing. As it turned out, the Alpha Centauri sun emitted no ultraviolet radiation, so there was zero risk of skin cancer. Nathan wasn't sure that was correct, so he added, "But all disease has been cured by the canid aliens, so, if she did catch cancer, she could take a pill and it would vanish instantly".

As the weeks and months passed Lois felt herself having romantic feeling for the cute alien. Maybe they would hook up and get it on? This is despite me saying earlier Lois was not sexually attracted to Stitcher. He was definitely cute and Lois was thinking she might reconsider her prior conclusion that Stitcher was only worthy of affection in the role of a pet. Or a cute companion.

At this point Ethan felt the need to object. "Wait a minute, dad. That doesn't sound appropriate".

"Very well, son. I'll let this be your call. Lois and Stitcher will not become romantically involved. Obviously, like the Gleepglorps, you see Stitcher as a pet and want him treated as such. As opposed to an equal. You're endorsing the discrimination Stitcher suffered that forced him to resort to murder".

With that Nathan decided to call it a night, telling his son he would conclude the tale with the next bedtime story. Ethan complained, but agreed. It seemed he was really looking forward to the next installment. Nathan departed his son's bedroom, quite satisfied with himself. He and his son were connecting, which bolstered his spirits. He was on his way, he decided, to becoming the favorite parent. He just needed to put in the effort. As opposed to showering his son with gifts. Though that was something he would be willing to consider, if necessary.



 swtd-449. Analysis. ntw-1.  Previous. Next.

Princess Poppy Pearce's Precious Possession Is Pilfered

Princess Poppy Pearce of Hlūdrīce swung her legs out from under her silk bedsheets, her dainty bare feet touching the stone tile beside her large four-poster bed. The morning sun streamed in through her bedchamber window on the third floor of castle Pearce, her ancestral home.

She smiled as she anticipated the coming day. Her dreams had been pleasant -- a reminiscence of her recent vacation to the Pleasure Dimension and her dalliance with the handsome prince from an Elles Weorold. Though he said the correct term was Tellus. This had been her first trip, but she left determined to return, despite the steep cost.

At first her father, Brytenwalda Phillip Pearce, was quite angry when he discovered how much of his wealth she had spent. Then he sighed.

"Anything for my beloved daughter, my most precious possession". He pondered the problems this caused. Then arrived at a solution. "I shall issue a royal decree increasing taxes on the citizens of Hlūdrīce". He called for the royal scribe to draft an executive order for delivery to the council of nobles.

"That's more like it!" Poppy screamed. At first she was concerned that she would have to scold her father for his irrationality. She deserved the finest things in life, including a week's vacation in The Dimension Voluptatis (the Pleasure Dimension). A place where a person's hedonistic desires could be indulged in... for a price.

She had not even been aware that Elles Weorolds (alternate dimensions) existed until recently. Her friend, a daughter of one of the realm's most wealthy nobles, clued her in.

"It's the most exclusive club in existence", Lady Serena Hlūdmeolc, daughter of the Duke of Hlūdmeolc claimed.

Intrigued, Poppy decided she had to know more. Soon she found herself initiated into the Voluptas Clava and the existence of Elles Weorolds was revealed. This was a secret that must not ever be disclosed to a commoner, she was told. It was a secreto, that, if betrayed, would bring down on her consequences most severe.

She swore the oath and, after paying a large fee, was accepted into the Voluptatis Collegium (The Society of Pleasure). And, after visiting the royal vault and making a large withdraw, embarked upon her first trip to the Pleasure Dimension.

"I'm ready for my eternal spring water spritz", Poppy informed the attendant. She had previously emerged from her hot oil bath, then received a full body massage from a hunky male aasimar. He kneaded her in all the right places.

"I recommend the eternal spring water spritz", he remarked. "To maintain your astonishing beauty".

Poppy read the brochure and decided this sounded like a very good idea. According to the literature, aqua aeterna granted eternal beauty. Not eternal youth, but the appearance of it. That was as per the fine print, which she read. Still this seemed like a worthwhile purchase.

The attendant smiled approvingly. "I should mention that it is exorbitantly expensive".

Poppy frowned. How dare this mere servant suggest that a VIP such as herself could not afford this magical spritz?

The attendant noticed her frown. "I hear you are a princess. Surely the cost is of no concern to you".

"You got that right", Poppy agreed.

Then an account appeared. A blue aasimar woman materialized in a puff of smoke. After dismissing the attendant the woman informed Poppy that the funds in her account were running low.

Poppy felt like slapping the woman. Though she previously read in the manual that such actions would result in a lifetime ban.

The aasimar woman pushed up her glasses with a finger, then stared at a parchment she had brought with her. "The issue is the somnium gemma you ordered".

Poppy remembered. The salesman told her the dream gem would allow her to relive her most pleasant memories in her dreams. Guaranteed for a lifetime. Upon hearing this she concluded she had to have this gem. Though the choice wasn't between the gem and the spritz. She wanted both, but the cost of the magic water was more than she guessed might be in the entire Pearce royal treasury.

"I can easily afford this", she insisted. Though the accountant didn't seem to believe her. "But I won't pay such an outrageous sum. This is highway robbery!"

Poppy dismissed her. "I just gave a large amount to the orphans", she explained. That sounded plausible. Were there orphans in Hlūdrīce? She thought she remembered that someone told her there were. But that wasn't her concern. It was likely an issue for the council of nobles.

Despite not wanting to depart, her time in Pleasure Dimension was ending. Why she accepted delivery of the somnium gemma. Even though the cost depleted the funds in her account to a negative amount.

"I'm good for it", she assured the accountant aasimar. She signed the promissory note that included full payment in 30 days. With a high amount of interest added to the total. Her father would want her to have this, she reasoned. Her birthday was coming up.

But the somnium gemma, guaranteed for a lifetime, seemed to have malfunctioned. As Princess Poppy sat on the edge of her bed recalling her perfect nocturnal recollections, she realized that, while Poppy and the handsome prince were about to get it on, she could not remember what happened next.

Well, she could remember. She and the handsome prince shared a night of passionate love-making. What she could not remember was reliving it that night. When using the necklace she could relive (via her dreams) past events from her life, experiencing them a second time (or third or fourth time) exactly as they transpired the first time. She could re-experience past events as if they were happening currently.

The night with the prince was a memory she replayed over and over. But the prior night she definitely did not relive this memory in her dreams. Perhaps she should stop payment? She felt around her neck and... to her utter shock, found the gem of dreams was not there. Frantically she searched her royal bed. She stripped off the sheets. Looked underneath her bed base. Removed the mattress. But the gem was gone.

Now she was in a panic. The gem didn't cost a small fortune, it cost an enormous fortune. She began to weep loudly, then she started screaming. This attracted the attention of her personal maid.

A a mousy woman called Beatrice ran into the room. "What is wrong, milady?"

"My dream gem!" Poppy cried, placing her head on the woman's shoulder. Then she thought, what if this peasant stole my gem? She was on call 24-7. In case Poppy suffered any night terrors, she needed someone there to console her. Though the gem, in the short time she had it, did eliminate the night terrors completely.

Another reason why she must find it. She dismissed the maid, then called her back. "You stay with me", she said. She didn't want to give the possible thief an opportunity to make her escape. Though, why would she still be here if she had taken her gem?

Beatrice started trembling. "I swear, I don't know what happened to your gem. Perhaps you could ask the royal mage?" She suggested this in an attempt to be helpful.

Poppy agreed that was a good idea. "We must get to the bottom of this!" she shouted. "The gem didn't evaporate into thin air". Poppy was very worried, given the price of the gem.

The royal mage also looked concerned. He had heard the King raging and cursing when he found out how much his daughter spent on it.

The mage thought. "I can consult my orbuculum". Leofwynn Magus Momenti brought forth a sphere made of crystal, carefully placing it on an ornate iron stand in the middle of the room. "You say you had your expensive necklace when you retired to your bedchamber last night?"

Poppy affirmed that she did.

"A revelare praeterita to reveal the past should work". Clouds swirled within the ball of crystal and coalesced into a scene. Very clearly Poppy could see her bedchamber.

A thought occurred to the princess. "You use this to spy on me? You naughty boy!"

Leofwynn protested. "I would never think of doing such a thing!"

Then, as Poppy, Beatrice and Leofwynn gazed into the crystallum, they saw the events of the previous evening play out. Poppy entered her bedchamber. The moon, visible though her oriel window, shown brightly. Poppy readied herself for bed. She undressed and stood before a full length mirror.

"Look at me", she said aloud, admiring her nude body. "I don't need aqua aeterna. I'm gorgeous!"

Then she called for Beatrice. Beatrice entered the room carrying a silver bucket and several towels. After washing her mistress, the maid helped Poppy into her nightgown.

"I may leave now?" Beatrice asked after tucking Poppy into bed.

"Lay beside me. I insist". Then she smiled. "Please?"

Beatrice complied and, after some time passed, both fell asleep. Or Beatrice did.

"I need to relieve some tension", Poppy remarked, looking over at the snoring Beatrice. She reached between her legs and began to pleasure herself.

Though under the covers, those observing via the crystallum could tell by the look on her face when Poppy orgasmed. And they could hear her moans as she continued pleasuring herself.

"Erm...", Leofwynn muttered nervously.

Poppy smiled. "You're sure you never spied on me previously and observed my nighttime ritual?"

Leofwynn protested. "Of course not". Though he didn't look away. He watched, engaged, until the past Poppy (as shown in the crystallum) orgasmed a second, and then a third time.

"I might not mind if you did", Poppy remarked, grinning wider.

After that, the past Poppy fell sound asleep.

The impatient princess wondered how long this was going to take. "This plays out in real time?"

Leofwynn confirmed that it did. So they continued to watch. A hour later the Beatrice in the crystallum woke and, being careful not to disturb her mistress, tiptoed out of the bedchamber. She did not swipe her slumbering mistresses' necklace.

Again they waited. Then, approximately 20 minutes later, they all saw it. A figure wearing a dark cloak slipped though the oriel window. Moving with the grace of a cat, the small figure approached the soundly slumbering princess and gingerly removed the necklace from around her neck. Then, mere seconds later, the figure departed.

Poppy was alarmed by what she saw. "A child stole my necklace?"

Leofwynn scratched his chin. "No, I would say that likely was a halfling woman".

Poppy exploded in a visceral rage, swearing and screaming for several minutes. The head of security was summoned and informed of what happened. Poppy screamed at him for a while, threating his job and then his life if he did not hunt down the thief and retrieve the gem.

Then the absurdity of what she had just seen hit her. The figure snuck in quietly with extreme stealth. Nobody behaved in this manner in Hlūdrīce (which was also known as The Loud Realm). She pondered for a while what she had seen. Could this thief be someone from the nearby kingdom known as The Silent Land?

Ward Wearde, the head of security and a former military man, agreed it could. "Those whispering bastards!" he exclaimed loudly. "I swear on my life I will hunt down this thief and retrieve your property, Gyden Paloma".

"I should think so", Poppy huffed. "Given that your lax security explains how this happened". On the other hand, she thought, who would have ever guessed that a Swīgeland caitiff would have the audacity to pilfer from the daughter of Brytenwalda Pearce? This was a hanging offense, of that the thief should surely be aware.

Ward suggested that they investigate and, after doing so, found proof he was certain would lead to the culprits. "I have discovered evidence that there were at least 4 of them", he announced when Poppy tracked him down later that afternoon.

"The royal tracker, Findan Nedoute, says he can locate the thieves. He is the ripsnortingest tracker in the land. In fact, he has already set out. He told me that he will leave markers for us to follow until we catch up. The horses are ready and we can depart immediately. With your leave".

Poppy pondered the situation. This necklace was her most valued possession and its retrieval was of utmost importance to her. Therefore, she concluded, she must head the operation to reclaim it herself.

"You, Constable of the Keep Wearde and Magus Momenti Leofwynn shall both accompany me. And we should bring some servicemen with us as well. For my protection".

Ward Wearde, an older, yet extremely fit man in his 60s, protested. "Your father won't hear of it!"

"Pish posh", Poppy proclaimed. "That's not your concern. He will agree. Give me a half hour to prepare. And have my horse ready".

Poppy returned to her bedchamber and packed some belongings. Then she shouted a prayer to Giellan The Hlūd, chief among the screaming deities.

Surely Giellan would hear her plea and grant her request. Soon her deore gim would be back in her possession. And the halfling that took it would pay dearly. Along with anyone else involved in the theft.


Notes: Princess Paloma "Poppy" Pearce resides in the kingdom of Hlūdrīce (aka The Loud Realm in Old English) which is adjacent to Swīgeland aka The Silent Land (Old English translations). Epulae Sumptuosae translates from Latin as "sumptuous/extravagant banquet/feast".

 swtd-448. absurd-3.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

Jaeson Gerbille Auditions To Join The Wlitige Beornas

A powerful bolt of lightning split the boulder in two. There was a loud boom as shards of rock flew through the air. Tavish, the handsome warrior, was truly impressed. How was it that this diminutive rodent could do this?

"Zounds!" He whispered. Other members of the party applauded. Everyone, it seemed, was truly impressed.

The red-haired cleric Oona folded her arms. "It is between Jaeson and Bob Smith".

Bob, a wiry man with a slender black mustache, smiled. There was no way this tiny rat would be chosen over him.

Although, he had to admit, the display of magick he had just witnessed was astonishing.

Two other contenders for admission into the adventuring party expressed their disappointment and departed. Fillroy, the local blacksmith's son who dreamt of a life of adventure sighed. It was a deep defeated sigh of acceptance.

This, after he had clearly wowed them with his card trick, drawing the king of hearts from the deck. "Is this your card?" he asked. The dim-witted warrior had to admit it was.

Tavish raised his sword. “I vote for Phillip!” How did the lad guess his card? Mind reading, possibly?

But he changed his vote when Bob Smith, a mysterious figure dressed all in black, snatched an arrow right out of the air fired by their elven archer, Tvisha. She claimed she could nick his ear at 20 paces. Perhaps she could have, but at the last second he reached out and grabbed the high speed projectile.

"I change my vote to Bob!" Tavish shouted enthusiastically.

"I could do that", the halfling woman named Viv claimed. Tavish scoffed.

"Well, maybe", he conceded. He had seen the small rogue perform some impressive feats of dexterity. Like the time she walked a tightrope over a castle moat and stole the princess's diamond necklace from her bedchamber.

Tavish gave a firm nod. "Bob is my man all the way".

Bob looked appreciative. He smiled. "Thank you very much, Mister Tavish".

Oona glanced around the clearing. "Are there any other contenders?" She saw no one, but asked to be sure.

All four members of the Wlitige Beornas (aka the Beautiful Heroes) suppressed a laugh when a small rodent wearing a blue tunic announced he was there to audition. But he claimed he had what it took.

Oona, the leader of the party, giggled, assuming it was a joke.

"I am Jaeson Gerbille, the Wizard of Wesselville. As I will now demonstrate, I am, of the four candidates, the far superior one".

Tavish chuckled. He also assumed this must be a prank. Probably perpetrated by Viv. She was constantly trying to pull one over on him or another member of the party. But mostly him. They had an ongoing rivalry wherein each continually tried to out prank the other.

The mouse jumped up on a stump in the middle of the forest clearing and withdrew a tiny wand made of willow from a sheath attached to his belt.

"Behold!" he bellowed. He pointed the stick at a nearby moss covered boulder. Which, as previously disclosed, produced a bolt of lightning that split the enormous rock in twain.

Oona the cleric, Viv the halfling rogue, Tvisha the elven archer, and Tavish the ruggedly attractive swordsman all were inclined to agree -- this small guinea pig was now the leading candidate. Unless Bob could wow them with an even more astounding feat.

"I am a gerbil, not a guinea pig", Jaeson said, correcting the adventures. "Prepare to be amazed!"

Everyone, Bob included, waited with bated breath. What would this furry enigma do next?

Turns out, nothing.

"Are you ready?" Jaeson squeaked.

Everyone confirmed they were.

The two-foot-tall rodent began to shrink. Suddenly he diminished to a mere 6 inches in height, his tunic and wand also shrinking proportionally in size.

Everyone clapped and voiced approval. Excepting Bob. After this did they even need to see how Bob could possibly top this trick? Previously the heroes had agreed that what they likely needed was a magick user.

"What is your specialty, Bob?" Oona inquired.

"You said you were looking for an individual proficient in the use of magick, and that I am", Bob asserted. "Though it seems I have been outdone".

"Don't give up", Tavish counseled. "Let's see what you got".

"Very well", Bob replied.

Bob closed his eyes, seemingly concentrating. Then he began to levitate, rising 2 feet off the ground, his black cloak billowing dramatically. He hung there, in midair, for several seconds. The seconds ticked by and he continued to hover.

"Higher!" Jaeson squeaked, encouraging Bob. He wanted to see him soar over the treetops.

Beads of sweat appeared on Bob's forehead. But, instead of levitating higher, began to descend, until he returned to the ground. Bob let out a defeated sigh, then stood there, loudly huffing as if he had just sprinted a marathon.

Jaeson puffed out his chest. "Looks like we have a winner -- me!"

Bob hung his head in shame. After wiping the sweat from his brow. "I did my best", he concluded. "I can see why you would choose this mouse over me. However, you may consider the fact that he is but a small rodent, while I am a man? And I'm capable of using a dagger".

Bob drew a dagger from his black leather boot and tossed it from hand to hand. Then he drew back his arm and threw it. Flying through the air, the poniard appeared to hit its mark, sticking with a thunk in the trunk of a nearby tree.

"Hmm", Tavish mused, deep in thought. "Why can't we add both Bob and Jaeson to the party?"

The party members conferred. Bob and Jaeson heard them whispering as they huddled.

Tavish suddenly shouted, "That would be a big mistake, in my opinion!"

Eventually it seemed a decision had been reached. Tavish approached Bob and extended his hand. Bob, anticipating a congratulatory handshake to welcome him to the group, extended his hand.

"I argued passionately in favor of your inclusion, but you didn't make the cut. I'm so sorry", Tavish said, giving Bob a conciliatory handshake.

Bob looked genuinely disappointed. But he understood, he said. The Wlitige Beornas were well known in these parts as the saviors of Stincantun, the nearby village he was from. He had heard the tales of how the heroes had defeated the gobelin horde. Many related the tale of how Tavish himself had defeated the gobelin cyng in battle.

Bob was about to depart when the warrior began to grin. "Just kidding!" he chuckled.

"Both Bob and Jaeson will be admitted on a provisional basis", Oona announced.

"Ha, ha", Bob laughed, remembering that Tavish was known for his predisposition for pranking. Supposedly, as per the version of the tale he heard, Tavish roughly pulled down the gobelin cyng's breeches after stunning him with a solid punch to the gut.

"Indeed", Tavish confirmed. "That took him by surprise. He tripped and fell to his knees, then I gave him a noogie. Though that might have been a mistake, given how greasy the cyng's lice-infested hair was". The warrior laughed, then let out a disgusted "ugh" when he came to the part about the noogie and the greasy hair.

"After he begged for his life and I spared it, he was beaten mercilessly by his subordinates. Tvisha shot a number in the back as they fled. I don't think they will return".

"I doubt they will", Tvisha agreed. "But, if they decide to make that grave mistake, they will have the Wlitige Beornas to contend with".

"The town is forever in your debt", Bob remarked. "I am truly honored to be added to your ranks. I will work hard not to disappoint".

Jaeson did not look impressed. "I have never heard that tale", he interjected. "I was passing through on my way back to Wesselville when I saw your notice on the bulletin board at the local tavern. The barkeep claimed you are local heroes, so I decided to check you out. By the way, I also asked why your town stinks. He says the reason is a huge cesspool that Stincantun is downwind of?"

Viv wrinkled her nose. What the rodent said was true. The Slughe Fen was located upwind of the city. Though it had not always stunk. She knew this personally because she had lived there for many years. Some said an yfel wicca was the source of the stench. The word around town was that this wizard was conducting foul experiments.

Another group of adventurers, some inexperienced locals, had investigated, but never returned. Only recently (several years ago) had the village come to be known as Stincantun (stinky town). The true name of the village was Lustbære, which described it succinctly. It was a very desirable, pleasant, cheerful, and joyous place to live. Before the dark (and smelly) times.

"Before accepting our offer, you should know what our mission entails", Oona stated before Jaeson indicated whether or not he accepted. To her, it sounded like he might not be interested after all. Given that the mission involved investigating the Slughe Fen and finding out the truth behind the horrific reek. And, if it was a yfel wicca who was responsible, then to slay him.

Or extract from him concessions in exchange for his life. Which would obviously include abating the smell, if possible. There would also attempt to locate the prior adventurers who had disappeared.

Bob, an inhabitant of Stincantun (formerly Lustbære) readily agreed. Many inhabitants had already fled, packing up their belongings and relocating elsewhere. Bob was among those who decided to stick it out.

"This is a noble quest", Bob concluded. "I readily accept".

"Why not?" Jaeson, whiskers twitching, squeaked as he shrugged his shoulders. "There isn't currently anything on my agenda". Then he thought. "I will join the team on a provisional basis". Depending on how bad this smell was, the gerbil thought. In town it had been mildly distracting. A foul stench in the wind, sometimes hardly noticeable and sometimes so bad it made his eyes water. How much worse would be if they sought out the source?

"It is settled then", Tavish declared. "Congratulations, Bob", he said, clapping the man on the back. "This is a great honor for you both", he added, addressing Bob and Jaeson.

"We shall depart on the morn", Viv said. She was stirring a pot on the party's campfire. "You are both welcome to some of my rutabaga and parsley root stew". The halfling woman spooned some stew into a copper stein, offering it up for any takers.

Tavish took the stein and drank from the cup, after blowing on it to cool it off. "I'm famished", the handsome warrior remarked after slurping some soup. "This isn't bad", he concluded as he took a seat on the same stump Jaeson had previously stood upon.

Actually still was. "Excuse me", Tavish apologized as Jaeson jumped from his perch to avoid the warrior's descending posterior.

Jaeson expressed interest in the stew. "I take it the stew is vegan? I could scrounge up some mealworms, waxworms or crickets to add".

This idea didn't appeal to Bob, nor anyone else. "None for me, thanks", Bob replied. "With your permission I will return home to gather the rest of my gear. Also to tell my sister the news. She knows I was auditioning to join your group, but doesn't know of my acceptance".

"That sounds like a plan", Oona said, nodding her head. "Be back at dawn, for that is when we shall depart".

Bob agreed and left, disappearing into the trees, following a path out of the glen and into the woods, back in the direction of Stincantun. Meanwhile, Jaeson began digging in the soft soil around the base of the rotting stump. There were woodworms here for certain. He could smell them.

 swtd-447. absurd-2.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

Dervish Sanders Consumes The Dewdrop of Diminution

Eilean led Dervish to a secluded gàradh. He found it peculiar that he had overlooked this cluster of trees, despite his earlier conviction that he had unearthed every secret of the faerie pocket dimension.

"This is a protected and forbidden place", Eilean explained. "I have brought you to this hallowed ràth, for the Iongantach Duilleach has unfurled, and the Draíocht Drúchdail has finally graced its surface. The surprise I previously mentioned awaits".

Lengthy blades of jade grass danced with the warm breeze, releasing a faint green aroma. Pansies, violas, and marigolds painted the ground in vivid bursts of color, their petals trembling like whispers of laughter. A towering Lumina Arbour dominated the center of the grove, it's silvery iridescent bark glowed faintly, as if imbued with the moon's light. The ancient tree branches, which extended high into the sky, were tipped with delicate, crystalline leaves that shimmered in shifting hues of blue and green.

"What is the iongantach duilleach?" Dervish inquired. "Some kind of amazing leaf?"

"Yes", Eilean confirmed. She spoke directly into Dervish's ear as she sat on his shoulder.

"There, at the base of the tree". Eilean's breath was soft against his lobe, her ariose voice sending shivers through his chest. The golden strands of her hair brushed his cheek like silk, grounding him in the surreal intimacy of the moment.

Dervish looked and saw a single verdant leaf sprouting from the trunk near to the earth. Kneeling, he discovered a glowing dewdrop resting at its center, its surface pulsing faintly, as though alive. The rays of the rising sun glinted off its pristine clarity, yet as he leaned closer, Dervish discerned minuscule particles suspended within the orb, swirling like motes caught in a silent current.

Dervish considered the tiny orb of liquid. "This is the drúchdail?"

"It is the Draíocht Drúchdail, or Dewdrop of Diminution. Its magic will abate your largeness, bestowing upon you the grace of perfect size".

"Should I consume it now?" Dervish asked.

"Yes, though first you might remove your clothing, as the dewdrop will have no effect upon it".

"OK", Dervish agreed, removing his garments as suggested. Casting them aside, he stood before Eilean completely nude.

"My fairie sisters have longed for this day with excited anticipation. Though first you shall lay with me".

It was then that Dervish heard the voices of the fairy troop -- familiar to him after spending so much time here -- harmonizing a wordless a cappella tune. Dozens of members of the tizzy fluttered about. Dervish noticed all had removed their tiny fairie dresses, with the expectation that they would soon be copulating with the right-sized man.

Dervish hesitated, the dewdrop glowing softly on the leaf before him. He bent closer, noticing its gentle pulse seemed to quicken, as if sensing his presence. With a deep breath, he pinched the leaf's edge and tilted it toward his lips. The dewdrop slid into his mouth, cool and weightless, like a drop of liquid starlight.

For an instant, nothing happened. Then, a tingling warmth spread from his chest to his fingertips, as though his very essence was being drawn inward. The ground beneath him seemed to stretch and expand, the towering Lumina Arbour growing impossibly larger with every heartbeat. Grass blades became towering green walls; flowers loomed like vibrant, petaled suns.

Before he could fully grasp what had occurred, Eilean's delighted laughter filled his ears. She now stood eye-to-eye with him, her silvery wings shimmering in the dappled light.

"Welcome to the world as we see it, great adventurer", she said, a playful smile curving her lips.

Eilean quickly slipped out of her gown and approached Dervish hesitantly. She held her nude body against his, her ample bosoms pressed between them. Dervish could feel her heart fluttering against his chest as she reached down and grabbed hold of his bod, which quickly stiffened.

The fairies of the tizzy surrounded the two, their voiceless melodies weaving an intricate symphony of exaltation. Then they began hooting and hollering, boisterously encouraging Dervish to proceed with the coitus. Eilean laid back in the cool vibrant green moss, her wings folding beneath her. Spreading her legs she guided Dervish's bod into her quivering faighin.

Eilean's body shuddered in eacstais as waves of tlachd washed over her. Finally Dervish filled her with his sìol.

Breathing deeply, Dervish withdrew. "I am exhausted", he remarked. "I don't see how I can service all of you".

Eilean lay in the còinneach, her skin flush; her bosoms rising and falling as she drew deep breaths. "My sense is that the childing has been successfully initiated", she gasped.

A grinn brown-haired fairie woman, pushed by her troupe members, approached Dervish. He recognized her as Luna, the faerie woman who, aside from Eilean, he had spent the most time with.

"I am next", she declared nervously as she fingered the nipples of her full round breasts.

The other faries cheered her on, chanting "G'wan, G'wan, G'wan, G'wan". They shouted this over and over, their voices rising to a din.

Luna approached Dervish, who was lying in the soft grass next to Eilean. Luna stood over Dervish, one foot on either side of his body. She starred down at him, then turned around suddenly and lowered herself onto his face. "This will ensure your seasmhachd", she explained.

Dervish suddenly realized he was starved for the taste of saccharine faerie nectar, and so eagerly began to eat her out. As soon as he tasted the narcotic liqueur he felt wholly reinvigorated. His fearalachd sprung to life again as Luna inhaled him down to the root.

After that Dervish found he was easily able to perform for every last member of the tizzy. By his count he engaged in 38 rounds before he was done.

Upon completion of the monumental task, all the members of the tizzy roared with applause. The clapping and cheering gradually dying out.

The last faerie lady closed her legs as Dervish withdrew. "That was fierce fhaochag!" Roweina exclaimed as she began to weep with joy.

"Don't cry", Dervish said, attempting to console her. Looking down Dervish noted he remained cruaidhe. "I could do you all again, just to be sure", he concluded.

The 38 faeries present started jumping in jubilation, their tiny, glimmering wings fluttering like a dazzling, silver storm. Their laughter rang out, bright and melodic, as they clasped hands and danced about. Breaking into song, they harmonized the ethereal fey tune of aoibhneas (happiness), the notes carrying the weight of centuries-old magic.

Several tooted on faerie flutes, their delicate instruments glowing faintly with an inner light. Others plucked enchanted harp strings woven from spider silk, each pluck creating a shimmer of stardust in the air. Soon, the music took on a life of its own, weaving through the forest and awakening slumbering flowers that bloomed in radiant colors.

A brave few climbed atop dancing mushrooms, chanting "Ar bó!" as they twirled with giddy abandon. One mischievous faerie tossed a burst of sparkling powder into the sky, which rained down as a gentle cascade of iridescent light. The entire clearing seemed to come alive, an explosion of magic and joy as though the very world was celebrating.

As the jubilant faeries danced and music filled the air, a deep, resonant horn blast echoed through the clearing. The sound carried with it an ancient authority, vibrating through the trees and stilling the festivities as though time itself had paused to listen. One by one, the faeries froze mid-dance, their wings trembling with anticipation.

Out of the shimmering air, a golden light began to coalesce at the ràth's edge. It grew brighter and more radiant, forming into the shape of a regal figure -- Her Majesty Queen Eimíle, the sovereign of these fey. Her gown sparkled like sunlight on dew, and her crown, woven from moonlit vines and studded with gems of every hue, seemed to pulse gently with its own inner magic.

The faeries knelt in unison, heads bowed low, their earlier mirth now replaced by reverent awe. The queen's voice, smooth and melodic, carried across the clearing with ease.

"Dervish Sanders, I presume?" she began, her tone a perfect blend of authority and warmth. She stepped forward, her radiant gaze meeting Dervish's eyes. "Rise, exceptional bàsmhor".

Dervish was quite nervous, given that he was still completely rùisgte. Even though all the faeries of the troop also were; he was the only one present with a fully erect scytel. He already was risen. Though he inferred she meant to his feet, and so he stood.

The Queen glanced down and a smile formed on her face. "I see why Eilean is so impressed. I am as well". Queen Eimíle signaled for assistance, and several of her subjects rushed to her aid.

"Help me out of my gown", she instructed them.

Disrobed, the Queen began to sway, gyrating her hips. Dervish's eyes were drawn to her magnificent breasts, then down her flat stomach, a small divot in place of her belly button, which she lacked (as did all the other faeries), given that she was one of the non-born. The queen possessed a perfect hourglass figure. Dervish's eyes moved down to her majesty's exquisite vulva. Moonlight shown through her thigh gap, captivating him.

"Your reward", She announced as she continued to sway. "This is a great honor. And, I assure you that, even though you have feasted on the faighin of all the members of Eilean's troop, mine is beyond compare".

Dervish was certain she spoke the truth, even before tasting. Though he found he was anxious to, so he knelt, extended his tongue and began kissing and licking. A honey floral sent filled his nostrils as he devoured his duais.

The fairie tizzy gathered around closely, starring in rapt silence and amazement.

"I wasn't about to miss out", the Queen said in her defense while Dervish continued to orally pleasure her. Eimíle moaned loudly and spurted, producing a sapid deoch which quickly intoxicated him, driving his libido to superhuman heights.

Queen Eimíle mounted Dervish after pushing him to the ground. Remaining still and using the power of her muscular faighin alone, she began kneading his bod with rhythmic, rippling pulses. Experiencing pleasure beyond any he had known before, Dervish cried out in exalted euphoria.

Numerous sex positions later, the Queen declared herself satiated. All the faeries of the tizzy cheered as Queen Eimíle proclaimed, "let the tales of your deeds echo through the realms". All fell silent as the Queen stood, several faeries rushing to help her redress.

Then, with a wave of her delicate hand, all faeries burst into applause, their joy resuming, though now tempered with the solemnity of the moment.

After the Queen departed Dervish found he was easily able to service all 38 of the sìthiche women a second, and then a third time. The moon disappeared as the sun rose. The sun began to set again when it was finally determined that all the members of the tizzy were surely and undoubtedly air an lìonadh.



 swtd-446. dsa-23.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

Fabulae de Summis Absurdis, Initium Narrationis

The vicious black void snarls in anger at the menacingly sinister nothing while the wind howls in desperation. Anguished cries of sorrowful misery can be heard as invisible onlookers lament the disastrous developments. Nobody looks on in silent disapproval, then chuckles loudly at the utter futility of the unfolding non-event. A second nobody, its featureless nonexistent face expressing unexplainable rage, observes from below, exasperated at its own determined inaction.

"You won this round. Until the next one", the Noling conceded, resiliently accepting defeat. He was bested by the Noid this time. But next time it would be different. Then he departed, leaving the Noid to savor her victory.

Descending into a dark hole, the Noling chuckled, reveling in the predictability of its deception. The Noid believed she had won. She always did. That was the game -- a victory hollowed out before it could ever solidify. This time, she would gloat -- but the unraveling had already begun.

Though he was irritated that, after thousands of years engaged in similar contests, his triumph still seemed a long way off. But he was incredibly patient. Only a few thousand more years and he would gain control of this realm, an indeterminate level of Hell. Of this he was confident.

Flames blazed, growing more intense as he continued to descend. Upon reaching his pit of despair, the Noling noticed a dark shadow awaiting him, one of his minions.

"A disturbance seeks your audience, my liege", the amorphous shadow whispered, bowing in silent dread.

The Noling reprimanded his subordinate. Why did he not handle this annoyance instead of bothering him with it?

Though it turned out this was a matter that was deserving of his attention.

Potens Magus Tenebris, otherwise known as Haraldus the Arcane Crafter knelt before an iniquitous altar, his shrine to the Noling.

"Hear me, master of misery and woe! I kneel before your altar in supplication. I implore thee, grant me your favor once more!"

A candle flickered out and the fire in the mantle faltered, then roared back to life, the flames crackling and leaping high. A shade coalesced in the corner, its form drifting with an unsettling weightlessness toward the wizard.

Haraldus immediately recognized the being as a avatar of The Noling, a faceless cowled figure, partially pellucid.

"You are one of my most promising makers of mischief and sower of sorrows, but your constant summonings grow tiresome, Haraldus", the Noling avatar remarked, obviously irritated.

Haraldus swallowed hard, his hands beginning to tremble. The spectral presence of his dark master seemed to drink the warmth from the room. He dared not breathe too loudly, lest the annoyance in the Noling's throat manifest into wrath.

"I beg your forgiveness, oh powerful one", Harladus said, apologizing. Then he remembered. "I have an offering for you, oh great Noiling".

The wizard retrieved a small cage from a table nearby. Then he placed it upon the altar and removed a sheet that covered it. A sleepy porcine squonk, disturbed by the loss of its shroud, trembled violently. The air grew heavy with its despair, the dim light seeming to weaken. Its quivering mass of sorrow twitched, yowling in fright.

"Quiet, you!" Haraldus commanded, rapping the cage with his gnarled wizard's staff. He regarded the squonk with disgust. The creature's loose and sloughing skin was covered in hundreds of granular warts which cracked and bled. As well as pustules oozing a sickly gray slime.

"I, Haraldus Potens Magus Tenebris, in an act of mercy, will now put this pathetic creature out of its misery. Though I shall first inflict some more".

The shade indicated its agreement as Haraldus slid his ceremonial murder dagger from its sheath. He quickly stuck it in the squonk's body numerous times, causing green goo to spurt from the wounds. This went on for a while before the creature, howling in pain, expired.

"Normally, this hideous creature would have dissolved into tears. In sheer embarrassment at its grotesque appearance. But this magical cage, which I constructed, prevented such a cowardly escape".

Haraldus straightened, awaiting gasps of awe or words of admiration -- but none came. That was odd. He cleared his throat nervously, his unease growing. The Noling did not seem impressed.

Then, as Haraldus shifted from foot to foot, waiting for a reaction from The Noling avatar, a gurgling escaped the lips of the not yet dead squonk as it finally expired. As Haraldus and the Noling avatar looked on, a ghostly apparition of a squonk materialized and began to gently float toward the ceiling of the wizard's arcane laboratory, possibly ascending to a higher plane of existence.

A deep, wet pull suddenly filled the air, the pressure shifting unnaturally. Haraldus winced as his ears popped. The spectral squonk looked exceedingly distraught as it veered off course, drifting horizontally instead of vertically. Then its succulent soul was siphoned into the Noling's open maw. It disappeared into the dark cowl and was gone.

"I thank thee for the delightful nourishment. The souls of the innocent provide appreciable sustenance. I shall consider granting your request, depending on what it might be".

Haraldus sighed in relief. "Over here", he said, directing the Noling avatar to a nearby workspace.

A shriveled and gray severed humanoid hand with elongated claws lay on the table.

"This is the hand of the demon Mirabile Malum. As legend has it, the severed hand of the renowned shaitan was crafted into The Manus Infortunii, otherwise known as The Hand of Misfortune".

"I came by this exquisite artifact by way of an old Tzigane woman. She suspected what it was, but due to its current condition, was eager to offload it at a very reasonable price".

Haraldus and The Noiling regarded the lifeless hand. The wizard poked it with a finger, as if to prove it was indeed unanimated and would not suddenly spring to life.

Now the Noiling seemed genuinely impressed. "The Manus Infortunii has been thought lost for nigh 200 of your mortal years. This is truly an exceptional discovery".

Haraldus beamed with pride, pleased that his Pater Nefandus was so seemingly thrilled with his discovery.

"According to the Tzigane woman, the hand was deanimated in a magical battle between two extraordinary wizards, one of which wielded the hand. She went on to claim she purchased it at an estate sale held by the clueless relatives of the vanquished wizard. After he collected the hand and fled in terror upon his defeat. It is said that, despite his best efforts, he was never able to revive the hand".

"I shall grant you this blessing", the Noling declared, its voice a whisper curling through the air like smoke. As it rubbed invisible hands together, foul vapors condensed into gnarled talons, which the avatar raised, tracing sinister sigils that shimmered with a malignant glow.

Haraldus felt the surge of dark energy percolating through the space -- an unseen force pressing against his chest.

The hand twitched. The lifeless grayness dwindled, vitality flooding back into the shriveled flesh. Black scales, slick and gleaming, emerged under the pale light of the eternal lanterns hanging from the rafters.

Suddenly, the appendage flipped, blackened nail tips scraping against the tabletop in a skittering motion -- an insectile, unnatural thing. It darted forward, only to slam into the magical barrier Haraldus had placed earlier. A violent recoil, as if it had received a powerful electric shock.

Haraldus watched, transfixed, his pulse quickening. At last. Months of failure, of fruitless toil, and now -- this. He had resurrected the Manus Infortunii. He would record this later in his journals as one of his greatest triumphs, a testament to his perseverance and genius.

Granted, restoring such a powerful relic had required divine intervention, but it was he who had initiated that intervention, the one who had cultivated the necessary relationship with the dark entity. Without his mastery, without his foresight, this moment would never have come to pass.

Now, to find the perfect victim to pawn the hand off onto. He dare not hold onto it too long himself, lest the curse affect him. Then he smiled. As it just so happened, he had been in communication via whisperglass earlier this very week with the perfect dupe.

Haraldus laughed heartily.

The Noiling, who was expecting profound appreciation, was taken aback. "What amuses you, veneficus?"

"I have a fool in mind. A wizard named Inconcinnus Fatuus. I have an appointment to meet with him presently. He wishes to purchase a riftplank I recently restored and will be traveling here to complete the sale later this week".

"Ah, a victim is already lined up", The Noiling nodded approvingly. "I look forward to observing what transpires. The misfortunes inflicted by the Manus Infortunii are legendary. I doubt I will be disappointed by the mayhem that ensues".


Notation: The Latin phrase "Fabulae de Summis Absurdis" roughly translates to "Tales of the Greatest Absurdities" or "Stories of Supreme Absurdities". "Initium Narrationis" translates as "The Beginning of the Narrative". The text at the top of this post is what I entered at the Microsoft Designer website and which produced the image.

 swtd-445. absurd-1.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

MAGA Guy's Unexpected Underworld Arrival

Sweet dreams are made of these... cute demonic red-furred and horned cat-imps, dancing and laughing, guffawing, chuckling and chortling. A great celebration was taking place. The cat-imps, or catturds, were overwhelmed with joy. The cause for their celebration? donald trump had been elected to a second term.

Spawned by the fevered dreams of conspiracy theorist Phillip Buchanan, the catturds materialized from the demented delusions of his defective brain. Far beneath the surface of the earth, or perhaps in an alternate plane of existence, an audible pop signaled the birth of a new demonic catturd imp.

During this specific Buchanan nighttime paranoia-fueled phantasmagoric unconscious fantasy (an ecstatic nightmare of conspiratorial vindication) hundreds of new catturd imps were hallucinated into existence. They splashed and played gleefully in the flowing magma. The red-hot liquid rock casting ethereal shadows that illuminated the underworld environment.

Meanwhile, on earth's surface, the family of Bob Smith mourned his passing 30 days previously. His family, which was bigly MAGA, would have preferred to be celebrating instead of attending the funeral of their beloved MAGA kin.

Bob's wife wailed in existential misery. Then she realized that things might not be so bad. donald trump, the anointed warrior of Christian civilization, was president again.

She smiled briefly, thinking of the misery that would be inflicted on her enemies at the hands of the triumphant champion of God-fearing moral Whites around the United States. It was time to take our country back from the Godless liberal queers that threatened society. She stepped to the podium and spoke.

"Bob would want us to go on", she announced as she adjusted the microphone and continued her eulogy. "Bob, as you all know, was mega MAGA. With the election of donald trump, our country is on the verge of a revitalization. donald trump's righteous hand will cleanse this nation of all who seek to defile it. The vile liberal queers that have perverted Christian civilization will be crushed by God's chosen leader. There will be so much winning, but we will not ever get sick of it".

She went on from there. When she finished the crowd sprung to their feet and cheered. Today would not be a day of mourning, but a day to celebrate the life of Bob Smith. A righteous and God-fearing man who was now with the Lord and in his loving embrace. The living could take solace in that fact. As well as the fact that donald trump was re-elected and the cackling hyena, Kamala Harris, was defeated.

Mary Smith's grief became jubilation. Or something close to it. She would grieve her husband, but she could see herself moving forward -- and with great anticipation of the good works donald trump would soon embark on. All which would restore America's greatness.

Two hours later the uplifted bereaved departed, leaving the widow alone with her husband's closed casket. Closed due to the nature of his injuries. She shuttered, remembering the day she identified the body. It was the same day Mary Smith and her husband Bob attended TurdStock: October 6, 2024.

The blissfully unaware couple were enjoying themselves. Playing pin the tail on the demonic donkey, throwing tennis balls to sink the dementia-addled Joe Biden (stand-in), plunging him into the dunk tank. Also eating various foodstuffs the overpriced vendors were selling. Among other state fair themed activities.

Then it happened. The event that changed her life forever.

"I'm in the mood for some tangerine cotton candy. I think they call it the Trump Swirl", Mary said, her eyes lighting up when she saw the booth. The vendor spun a cone of orange and pink delight. He handed it to her and Bob paid. As they walked, laughing and enjoying the day, suddenly Bob stepped into an unseen pothole and tripped. Stumbling forward, Bob collided with a wall of cotton candy sugar-mix canisters. The towering monolith of sugar-mix trembled, then collapsed, burying Bob.

Mary was about to laugh at Bob's misfortune when she realized something was terribly wrong. A bright crimson liquid flowed from beneath the pile of heavy canisters. Other TurdStock attendees quickly pitched in to remove the barrels, but it was too late. A particularly heavy barrel clearly crushed her husband's body. When they were moved a mangled and unmoving corpse was revealed.

Mary started sobbing. Bob, seeing his grief stricken wife, attempted to console her. Though, to his utter bewilderment, she did not seem to hear him. Then he noticed a swirling black void that tore into existence beside his broken corpse.

"My body?" Bob whispered, his voice filled with dread. A cold recognition settled in -- he wasn't just injured, his life had been snuffed out in an instant. All his dreams for the future, suddenly dashed. Plans such as following up with that sexy waitress he ogled the last time Mary and he had dined at the All-American Bar and Grill.

Bob had considered returning solo at a later date. He imagined he might romance her by grabbing her by her privates. If she let him, then he would know she would be down for a roll in the hay. If not? He'd have written it off as a failed pass. Now he would never know.

He turned back to the dark gateway. It seemed to call to him, drawing him toward it. "That must be the portal to paradise", Bob surmised. Feeling his confusion and fear melt away, Bob advanced toward the doorway to the afterlife. He would miss his wife, but eternity waited. And he was eager to meet his maker, who would probably thank him.

"Thank you for your unwavering support of my chosen leader", God would tell him. "You are one of my most loyal servants and will be richly rewarded". Bob imagined God shaking his hand and congratulating him. "You did not fall prey to the liberal lies. You were tested and passed with flying colors, my child". Then God would usher Bob into the promised land.

Bob cast one final wistful glance at his wife. Then he strode confidently toward the portal. "Be a man, Bob!" he told himself. Despite his confidence that soon he would be embraced by eternal bliss, he was slightly afraid. Given that he was about to step into the unknown.

Yes, he knew that God would be very pleased with how Bob had conducted his life; he hated the right people, which were the enemies of the Almighty. And he placed his resolute and unwavering faith in donald trump. But still...

Everlasting life, a perfected communion with God, and a renewed body. All this and more. Bob had no doubt. Having reassured himself and pushing his fears aside, Bob departed the mortal realm. He stepped into darkness and was instantly whisked away.

After traveling along a dark tunnel, flying at an exceedingly high speed through the windless air for an indeterminate amount of time, Bob was ejected into a black void. He fell and fell, but ended up, to his surprise, touching down lightly.

"This isn't what I expected Heaven to look like", Bob remarked. Stumbling in the dark, he walked toward a light he saw in the distance that burned fiery red. It was quite hot, Bob discovered, starting to sweat.

Finally he reached a heavy iron gate. A man short of stature stepped from the shadows and opened it, then ushered him in. Smiling broadly the mustachioed man declared, "a very, very warm welcome to you, Edward Endo. You may call me Maga Mike".

"Hello Mike", Bob replied, feeling almost welcome. "The name is Bob, btw. You were expecting someone else?"

Reconsidering his answer, Bob clarified, "Bob Johannes Smith. And it's just Bob not Robert. That is as per my birth certificate".

Bob waited, wondering how the man who wore a sharp burgundy suit would respond to his very precise answer. Mike was an unusual looking fellow. His skin was scaled and crimson red. He had horns which sprouted from his head. And, from his rear, a long tail grew that was tipped with a spade.

Then he noticed that Mike wore a red MAGA baseball cap, almost identical to his own. A brother in arms, Bob could clearly see Mike was. Despite his odd appearance.

Mike produced a clipboard and checked it. "You aren't Edward Tsutomu Endo AKA Mystere?"

Bob shook his head no and Mike double-checked. "Ah, yes. Bob Johannes Smith and not Edward Tsutomu Endo. You are correct. Edward isn't scheduled to arrive until later".

A short distance away, magma flowed. Playing in the molten lava, Bob saw horned red cats, so cute and so fury they demanded to be cuddled. That's what he concluded when one approached him, purring.

Suddenly it leapt on him with extended claws, latching onto his chest and swiping at his face as sharp claws pierced the fabric of his jacket. Bob screamed in pain when his eye was ripped out and ended up dangling from its socket.

Bob grabbed the cat, pulling it off him. Then he dropped it and punted the critter with his boot. The feline let out a horrific howl and went flying, disappearing into the darkness.

Worried about his eye, Bob gingerly touched his face.

"Push it back in", Mike proposed.

When Bob failed to act Mike approached him and, with a black-nailed red hand, quickly pushed Bob's eye back into his cranium.

Surprisingly Bob felt no pain. He concluded he must be in shock. Yet, only a few moments later, he found his vision in that eye had returned.

"Amazing!" Bob exclaimed. "By the glory of God I am healed!"

"When do I get to meet God?" He hoped the wait would not be too long.

"1000 years from now. Possibly sooner", Mike replied. Noting the look of extreme disappointment on Bob's face he added, "don't worry. Remember, time flies when you're having fun".

The reassurance lifted Bob's spirits. Cosmically speaking, 1000 years wasn't that long. Not compared to eternity.

He took out his iPhone and started filming. "I'm going to post this to TikTok", Bob announced as he panned his camera, taking in the vastness of the endlessly immense cavern.

Bob tried to upload his video, but quickly realized there was no Wi-Fi. Thinking about it, this made sense, though Bob couldn't help but be disappointed.

"Your catturd has returned", Maga Mike said, clearing his throat to get Bob's attention.

Bob lowered his phone, then noticed the cute red cat that had just attacked him was back. "What do you mean?" Bob asked. "I want nothing more to do with that thing. It is quite cute, but extremely violent".

"This is your forever buddy", Mike declared. "Well, for as long as you are here, at least. Like I said earlier, somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 hundred to a thousand years. Then you get to meet the ruler of this domain and be judged. In the meantime you can consider this an extended spa vacation".

Bob eyed the cat with suspicion. But, when it started purring, Bob's heart melted. "I must have startled the little guy. I'm willing to give this forever buddy thing another shot".

Then the catturd snarled viciously, spitting as it launched itself into the air, sinking its razor sharp teeth into Bob's throat, tearing out his adam's apple.

 swtd-444. polfi-28.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

Buddy Bunny Plots Murder At Midnight

Buddy Bunny slunk in and out of the shadows. The moon was high in the heavens and the stars shone brightly. He was careful to not be spotted as he stalked his prey -- Pulchellus, the impossibly cute gold dragon.

Buddy's heart hardened. He reached inside his sweatshirt's kangaroo pocket, feeling around for his pocket pistol.

"You will die tonight", Buddy whispered as his eyes narrowed. He had been assured this would do the trick, given that Pulchellus had recently molted his scales, a part of the normal dragon growth process.

Stalking him for months, looking for a weakness, suddenly it became clear. That was the day Buddy saw the normally scaled dragon completely lacking them.

With scales a dragon is nearly invulnerable. Without them? He should be able to pull it off.

"Lawful Good, my fluffy bunny tail", Buddy scoffed.

Then he remembered his tail was gone. As were his ears and whiskers. The painful memories flooded back. That horrible day when flames consumed his burrow, the conflagration nearly burning him alive. Unfortunately he lived. Though numerous members of his fluffle perished, incinerated in an instant.

While convalescing in the hospital burn unit, he saw a news report that shocked him. The nurse flipped on the TV and left the room. As a morphine drip eased his pain, an Enchanted Forest News Tonight reporter cheerfully related the story of a dragon fire-breathing contest that, previously unbeknownst to him, took place near his warren.

Then he saw the footage that clearly incriminated the culprit -- Pulchellus, the world-famous, impossibly cute gold dragon, star of the eponymous TV show, Pulchellus: The Impossibly Cute Gold Dragon.

Buddy Bunny, rising from the flowers, a lone figure of vengeance, drew his weapon and fired.

Hearing a pop, Pulchellus turned.

"Owe!" the surprised dragon exclaimed as the bullet pierced his breast. "That hurt!"

Pulchellus looked down and saw a spot of sunlit plasma (dragon blood) on his favorite T-shirt. "Why did you do that?" he inquired as he poked the hole.

"You are a strange looking chap", the befuddled dragon remarked as he dug out the bullet and flicked it away. "That wasn't very nice". His scowl deepened as he traced the bullet hole with one claw. "Ruined. This was my favorite shirt. I got this at the DragonStock festival last year".

Buddy's jaw dropped. The wizard he purchased the Dragonbane bullet from was positive it would work. Even though his low caliber pea-shooter could not possibly penetrate dragon scale. But with no scales? Pulchellus should be dead.

Buddy let out a strangled cry of defeat. "You may as well finish me off!" the earless coney wailed.

"What do you mean? You assaulted me". The dragon blinked at him, utterly baffled. This little dude might be off his rocker. Perhaps he was an obsessed fan?

"Hey, man, I'll give you a pass this time, but I better never see you again". Then he left. Pulchellus had to be on the set tomorrow bright and early and didn't have time to waste with this weird little dude.

As the dragon departed Buddy regained his composure. This wasn't over. He would reassess and formulate a new plan. He found the Dragonbane bullet on the ground and picked it up. First thing tomorrow he'd hop over to the Wizard's shop and demand a full refund. Obviously it was defective.

 swtd-443. ant-3.  Analysis. Previous. Next.

Dervish Sanders Eats Faerie Faighin

The midday sun filtered through the canopy above, scattering dappled light across the forest floor.

Without warning, darkness fell over the wood, swallowing the light. It was as if night had arrived unbidden, despite the morning hour. Glancing upward, Dervish saw that Sunne was almost completely eclipsed by Mōna. A chill ran through him; surely, this was an ill omen.

As swiftly as the darkness descended, it dissipated. Then, mere seconds later, feminine laughter drifted through the trees -- a sweet, melodic sound that seemed to dance on the air. The laughing again, Dervish thought, unease prickling at the edges of his mind. Should he flee?

Before he could act, a cascade of shimmering light enveloped him -- a swarm of faeries. Yet, instead of fear, wonder blossomed in his chest as the hum of delicate wings enveloped him like a symphony spun from nature's own magick. He extended his hand, trembling with awe, and a tiny faerie alighted upon his palm. Dervish gazed at the ethereal woman, mesmerized by her beauty as though caught in a spell.

"You are completely nude", Dervish observed, still holding the faerie woman in his hand. She reclined in his palm and spread her legs, exposing her faighin to his full view.

"That is very observant of you", the small blonde woman remarked, licking her lips. "Do you know that faerie faighin is exceedingly delectable?" she inquired, laughing. Her voice sounded like tinkling musical bells to Dervish's ears.

"I had not heard that", Dervish confessed. Are you inviting me to have a taste?" Suddenly Dervish was extremely intrigued and compelled to discover if what the lovely faerie lass claimed was true.

"Duh!" she exclaimed. "Go ahead. You will not regret it", she promised while opening and closing her legs.

Cradling the faerie lady in his hand, Dervish sat on the downed Hornbeam. Then he extended his tongue and started licking. As it turned out, the faerie lady told the truth. Dervish had never tasted anything like it in his life. The small winged woman moaned in ecstasy as Dervish continued performing gnè beòil.

He brought her to orgasm multiple times, each time squirting, before she lay in his palm completely exhausted. Then he noticed dozens of faeire women lined up on the log, each waiting their turn. To his astonishment, Dervish was able to give each of the faerie women oral pleasure without rest. Eventually he brought each of several dozen of the tiny ladies to climax with the wriggling of his tongue.

After the sweet sidhe nectar passed his lips, an intoxicating ambrosia seemed to dance across his taste buds. Dervish felt the liquid's magick take hold, a warmth spreading through him which caused the world around him pulse with life. He was overcome with a euphoria that felt otherworldly. Hours seemed to blend together as he marveled at the vibrant transformation of the forest. The leaves deepened to a lush, emerald green, glowing with an inner light.

Dervish laid down on the ground as the sun dipped lower in the sky, brilliant shades of orange and pink swirled across the horizon, creating a mesmerizing tapestry of colors that defied reality. The night seemed to come alive with a surreal beauty which Dervish gazed at in awe until sleep finally claimed him.

The next morning Dervish woke to find the effects lingered. He felt invigorated, his senses alive in a way he couldn't explain. Even the hard ground beneath him offered no discomfort. Rising, he turned to the sun, only to notice something strange -- it rose higher in the sky and its light seemed unfamiliar, its hue subtly altered. The land around him felt both known and unknowable, as if reality itself had shifted while he slept.

"You have been transported to the faerie realm", the first faerie woman he had given oral pleasure to explained. She flew down from a blackthorn branch and landed on a tree stump near Dervish. Overcome with joy, she danced a pirouette. Her sparkling gown seemed to flow in slow motion as she spun around.

"Welcome to your new home", she sang. "You are going to love it here!" She bowed gracefully and added, "You may call me Eilean. I am the leader of this faerie tizzy".

Dervish absorbed what Eilean told him. He recalled a children's fable he read while studying to be a scribe. As per this story, mortals could be transported to the faerie realm and trapped there. The thought that he now found himself in just such a predicament was distressing, still he felt an inexplicable calmness.

"I thank thee for the very kind offer, but I'd rather be on my way", Dervish remarked with composure.

Eilean frowned, clearly displeased by his response. "You have been selected, which is a great honor", she replied.

"You are correct. I apologize", Dervish conceded. Though he was lying. He saw no reason to upset his host at the moment. Perhaps he could win her trust and convince her to release him?

"That is a certainly a relief", Eilean remarked. "I was afraid you had been selected incorrectly". Then she lifted her dress. "Do you care for another taste?" she inquired, revealing her nether region.

Dervish decided he would. In fact, he thirsted intensely for another taste of sweet faerie faighin. He could not imagine he would ever experience anything more delightful than eating out a faerie. Eliean smiled as she shimmied out of her dress.

"My sisters will arrive shortly to be serviced", Eilean informed him. Her wings began to beat, lifting her off the stump. Again she sat in Dervish's palm. She reclined and spread her legs. Dervish brought the faerie faighin to his mouth and eagerly commenced gnéas béil. Eilean squirted and he drank in the delicious faerie nectar.

When he finished Eilean suggested Dervish remove his trousers. He did not know for what purpose, but complied. Eilean embraced him, clasping her arms around his manhood. The feel of her tiny tongue fluttering against his bod was intensely pleasurable.

Eliean gasped when Dervish drenched her with his essence. "Ar bó!" she shouted, swallowing a small amount.

The days passed and Dervish found he was unable to keep track of the number. Each day played out virtually identically, yet he did not grow bored. Clearly he was addicted to the faerie liqueur. In fact his craving for it was unbelievably potent and found he could not get enough. Dervish also found that it sustained him completely. He had no need of food or drink whatsoever.

Dervish regaled the faerie tizzy with tales of his adventures, which delighted them. In turn, they sang songs and performed skits that filled the air with laughter. During other hours of the day, Dervish was allowed to roam freely. He discovered that, after walking in any direction for a period of time, he always ended up exactly where he started. He was certain he wasn't walking in circles and returning to the exact same place purely by coincidence. That's when he concluded he must be imprisoned in some kind of alternate dimension or demiplane.

Eilean confronted him one day. It was another of many. Dervish was unsure how many had passed, but it could be thousands. Dead leaves crunched under his boots as he explored the cool tranquil forest. Songbirds warbled ariose tunes as they bounced around the underbrush, searching for bugs. Occasionally he spotted a deer or a squirrel. Sometimes he observed butterflies floating in a serene meadow.

Dervish discovered a babbling brook, its waters dancing with sunlight that fractured into rainbow hues. He sat for many hours at its edge, studying the fish that swam lazily in the clear water, their scales sparkling in the golden light. The sound of the flowing water seemed to carry whispers of ancient songs.

Though Dervish wandered far and wide, the enchantment of the realm always guided him back to the same glade, a realization that marked his confinement.

"As you have discovered, there is no escape", Eilean informed him, stamping her feet and crossing her arms underneath her beautiful full round breasts. Was she cross with him?

"I assure you, I was only exploring. I quite like it here", Dervish fibbed. "It is my heart's greatest desire to never depart this place". To his surprise, Dervish found that his words rang true. He did love it here. And yet, he wished to leave. He missed his family and was concerned about what had transpired back in the mortal realm during his absence.

This seemed to satisfy Eilean. "I am extremely glad to hear that", she replied. "Now, I have a surprise for you. This is something that will completely convince you that you should stay with us forever and ever".

Dervish sat on the same moss covered log in the same glade he made his home ever since arriving in the faerie dimension. Just a short distance away was a shelter he previously constructed of sticks and grasses to keep him dry during the occasional rain shower. It was about the time of day when the tizzy would gather.

He listened to Eilean talk as he shaved. During his explorations he identified a thick grass that, when snapped in half, produced a clear green gel. He used this in place of shaving cream. Eilean prattled on. She was clearly very enthused about the still undisclosed surprise.

Hearing the flutter of tiny wings, the faerie known as Luna arrived. She hovered in the air for a second, then touched down on the log next to Eilean.

"Why scrape your mortal skin so? Does it soothe your spirit?" Luna mused, obviously confused. "You must be hungry", she added as she adjusted her moss cap. She lifted her skirt, exposing herself.

"Not yet, Luna", Eilean said, scolding her sister. "I was about to tell our guest about the wonderful surprise".

Luna sat down next to Eilean and whispered something to her as Dervish finished removing the mucilaginous goo from his face using his pocket knife. He peered at himself using the shard of a mirror given to him by one of the faeries, content he had completed the task.

"As it turns out, the surprise is not quite ready yet", Eilean confessed. "But it is a doozy. I am positive you will be quite pleased. Let me just say that there is a way for you to magically transform to the perfect size. Great preparation was required, which is why I'm only bringing it up now".

"The perfect size is your size, I take it?" Dervish inferred. For what purpose, he could only guess. Though he thought he had a good idea what Eilean might have in mind.

"You know, there is something I've been meaning to ask you for some time", Dervish confessed. "I've been wondering what happened to all the faerie men. Are there none?"

"They perished", Eilean informed Dervish, tears filling her eyes. "That is why we brought you here. To help us bolster our numbers".

"I would be very willing to help you solve this problem", Dervish confirmed. It seemed he was about to become the father to dozens of faerie babies? Then he remembered he read in a book that faeries simply come in to existence, fully formed in an instant. One passage claimed that a fairy awakens within a blossoming flower. He related this to Eilean.

The tizzy leader appeared shocked. "It seems you know more than most", she mused. "But that is correct. This instant creation is known as sradag dhiadhaidh, or the divine spark. The creation of a faerie is viewed by our kind as a tiodhlac bestowed by the grace of the Chúirt Seelie. Unfortunately, a mallachd has fallen upon the tizzy. For this reason no new faeires are currently able to be spontaneously created via the divine spark. It is being blocked".

Eilean paused, allowing Dervish to take in what she had said. Then she added, "there is, however, a way to circumvent this".

Dervish didn't know what to think. "Could the curse be lifted instead of circumvented?"

"No. At least I don't know of a way currently. In the meantime it was decided that we should increase our numbers as the mortairean do. I don't think any faerie has ever done it before, though I'm excited to find out what it's like".

"For the record, this was a decision reached upon the recommendation of our sovereign, Queen Eimíle. She told me personally that, as per her vision, a great daonnaithe adventurer would appear at the exact time and place you did. And that this básmhar would serve as a soitheach dhiadhaidh, or divine vessel. You fit the physical description precisely. You are the divine vessel".

Dervish was concerned that he might offend Eilean by questioning the vision of their queen. Still, he decided he needed to point something out, which is that he was not a great adventurer. "Perhaps there has been a mistake? I am but a novice", Dervish replied with some trepidation.

"As far as adventuring goes, you will be great. A mòrachd Eimíle confirmed this to me personally. It is your destiny. Though unconventional, you must aid us in the way of mortals -- the act of creation not born of flowers but of flesh. Moreover, you already are great in one specfic regard. All the faeries of this tizzy long to feel your massive bod inside them. Now, do you wish to assist us or not?"

Dervish confirmed (a second time) that he would help in any way he could. This made Eilean very happy.

"I am extremely relieved. I don't know what we had done if you refused", the fairie tizzy leader sighed. "All we have to do now is wait. Great magic will be required to make this possible. This is in progress as we speak".

Dervish sat on the hornbeam log, lost in thought. On one hand, a great adventurer was required to fulfill a prophecy. On the other hand, he was not a great adventurer. But Eilean said he would be great in the future. Obviously, Dervish concluded, the only way he could become the great adventurer foretold would be if he was allowed to leave this place. He would not become great by staying with the faeries forever. Therefore, Eilean had no choice but to release him.

His logic was airtight and Eliean could not dispute it. In order to fulfill the prophecy given by the Queen, she would have no choice but to allow him to depart. Though not until he impregnated each and every faerie lady of the tizzy.

Eilean extended her hand, her fingers shimmering as if woven from moonlight itself. "Dervish Sanders, I, Eilean of the Gnéasúil Craiceáilte faerie tizzy, swear upon the prophecy of our Bhanrigh and the magic that binds our realm. I pledge to release you from this place so that you may fulfill your destined greatness. In return, you shall aid me in the task set forth by Banríon Eimíle. Do you agree to this pact?"

Dervish hesitated for a moment, the weight of the words pressing upon him. Then, summoning his courage, he clasped her hand between his thumb and forefinger. "I agree. Upon my word, I will honor the terms of this bargain".

As their hands met, a soft glow encircled them, and the air around seemed to hum with unseen power. The pact was sealed -- neither could break it without consequence.

"fìor mhath!" Luna exclaimed, declaring the deal to be fantastic, in her opinion. "Now, about the sustenance I previously offered, are you ready to receive it now?"

Dervish glanced down and saw Luna, who had shed her clothing, astride his right bare foot. She began to groan and grunt as she rubbed her crotch back and forth against his skin. "I'm ready to squirt!" the faerie lass cried. "If you want my nectar you better act fast".

Dervish Sanders: This story didn't include any information about my mother or father or sister. Except confirming they exist. Though it seems I am never going to see them again.

The Biographer: It is true that, in the prior tale, I said that Dervish would not set foot in his family's home again. While this doesn't for certain mean he will never see his family members again, it does seem unlikely. I may reveal more of his backstory later, but for now, the focus remains on his time in the faerie realm, which is a tale that will continue in the next installment and conclude with two additional chapters.



 swtd-442. dsa-22.  Analysis. Previous. Next.