Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Bald Wig-Wearing Frog Receives a Caller

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared' ~ Dan Quayle (b. 2/4/1947) 44th Vice President of the United States (1/20/1989 to 1/20/1993); a comment made on 12/6/1989, as confirmed by Snopes.

Even though the bald wig-wearing frog had not expected to awaken the next morning, he did. The frog's eyes opened to the sound of a loud thumping at his door. Unable to rise, he laid there until whoever was knocking gave up and went away. Most likely someone come to make fun of him and his wig. He would not have answered the door even if he could have.

That evening the frog thought, "this is it, tomorrow will not come, thank goodness. My miserable life will be over at last". What lays beyond this life the bald wig-wearing frog did not know, but he was convinced it had to be better than his current existence. "Wake up!", he heard someone shout. He bolted upright. Surprised, the wig-wearing frog thought, "I must be dead, because there is no way I could possibly have had the strength to do that".

The room was dark. And empty. There was no one there that could have yelled at him. But he was sure he had heard someone scream. "Open up, it's your uncle Kermit!", the voice on the other side of the door shouted. I must be hallucinating, the bald wig-wearing frog thought. I do have an uncle Kermit, but he went to Hollywood more than 30 years ago and hasn't been seen in these parts since. But the pounding continued, and it appeared as though this time whoever it was wasn't going to give up.

The wig-wearing frog weakly rose from his bed and shuffled in the direction of the front entrance. The knocking was still in progress when he got there - so he opened the door a crack. Standing in front of him, visible due to the brightly shining moon, was an amphibian wearing a green felt collar around his neck. Was this his uncle Kermit? There was no way he could be sure, seeing as he had never actually met him. "You must be my nephew Larry", croaked the strange amphibian standing before him. "Yes, my name is Larry", answered the wig-wearing frog. "Are you my uncle Kermit?" Larry the frog asked suspiciously.

"Trust me, Kid. I AM your uncle Kermit", the strange amphibian said, pushing the door open. "In any case, what happened to you? I've never seen a frog in such an emaciated state!". "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong frog", Larry said. "I have an uncle Kermit but he went to Hollywood decades ago. Frogs don't live decades, so there is no possibility that you could be him". Larry attempted to shut the door but the false Kermit prevented him from doing so. "You have a point", Kermit admitted. "Listen, Larry. I can prove to you that I'm your uncle Kermit".

After proving they were indeed related Larry invited his uncle in. "I heard you were wearing a ridiculous-looking wig, and there it is", Kermit remarked, starring at Larry's head. "I also heard that you haven't been seen around the pond in weeks. Your friends are very worried about you Larry". "I don't see how that could possibly be the case, since I do not have any friends", Larry replied. "Well, the frogs I talked to said they were friends of yours, although they did have quite a few very derogatory things to say about you. I can see why you'd disown them if they were your friends. Something I don't understand, however, is why you look the way you do. There didn't appear to be any kind of fly shortage down at the pond. So why are do you look so undernourished?".

"I was very sick for quite some time", Larry lied. "I couldn't eat anything that I wouldn't immediately throw up. I only started feeling better this morning". "I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better", Kermit commented, looking concerned. "Shall we go down to the pond and get you something to eat?". "I guess so", Larry answered. And so they did. Luckily there were no other frogs in the vicinity, even though he could hear them croaking in the distance. Larry did not feel like enduring any ridicule at the moment. After choking down some much needed sustenance he felt much better. "So, what brings you back to the pond after all these years", Larry queried his uncle.

"I've decided to retire from acting and get into politics", Kermit responded. "I'm going to run for pond president". "I didn't even know the pond had a president", said Larry. "Indeed it does Larry. Not only that, but you're going to be my Vice President". "Huh? Isn't being elected to public office something like winning a popularity contest?", a bewildered Larry retorted. "Since you've talked to them, you already know that my former friends do not like me".

"I'm the one that needs to win the popularity contest Larry. I need you to be my Joe Biden". "Who's he?", Larry asked. "He's the Vice President in the human world", Kermit explained. "The news media covers him with stories suggesting he is a high-functioning doofus". "So that's why you believe I'm the right frog for the position?", Larry replied, clearly insulted.

"Indeed. But there is no need to be insulted nephew. This is the way it works in politics. When two people (or frogs) run for president and vice president one of them is treated by the media as if he were functionally retarded, which may or may not be true. In Joe Biden's case it is not. He is actually a very intelligent man. In any case, the purpose of this is to put the public at ease. Most of them, being morons themselves, won't vote for a politician they believe is smarter then they are. If you are then they call you an elitist. When you give a speech they may refer to you as professorial, or say they are being lectured to. If there is one thing the voter can't tolerate it's an effete elitist snob".

"I don't know", said Larry. "To be honest with you, all the frogs around here view me and my wig as some kind of joke. I doubt they'd vote for me to be their leader". "Larry, I'm the one who would be the leader. The VP does little more than provide occasional comic relief. Besides, I doubt ALL the frogs think you're a joke. I suspect most of them have never even heard of you". "I'll have to think about it", Larry said finally. "In the meantime you are welcome to stay with me. It's been quite lonely living all by myself".

SWTD #78

1 comment:

  1. w! You pull me right in to your stories and I'm visualizing and talking in weird froggy voices....Damn you are GOOD!! That was really, really good!

    I love Joe Biden, I think he could even be president one day!


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