My Message From The Afterlife

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck -- George Carlin (5/12/1937 to 6/22/2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist, actor, and writer/author who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

I would have paid for my gas using the credit card scanner located on the pump, but a sign said "out of order, please pay inside". While inside I decided to grab a 32 ounce soda from the fizzy drink dispenser (despite Mr. Bloomberg's warnings). After adding a minimal amount of ice to my cup, I filled it to the tippy-top with the possibly diabetes-causing caramel-colored liquid. I approached the cash register to pay when I noticed a man brandishing a firearm. He was pointing it at the frightened clerk manning the counter.

The robber hadn't seem me yet, so I wondered if I should try to be a hero. "Empty out the register", the ski-mask-wearing thief demanded. I was considering whether or not I should tackle him when the man suddenly pivoted to the side, keeping one eye on the clerk he waved his gun around, alternately pointing it at me and the frightened attendant. "Get over here", he yelled, indicating I should move toward the counter. "Don't try to be a hero", he warned.

Realizing I was in a situation in which I could very well lose my life, my hands started shaking. As I moved in the direction the thief commanded I suddenly fumbled my soda, spilling it all over him. Thinking I was making my move, the robber panicked and fired his weapon. Then everything went dark. I knew I was lying on the floor, but could not feel my body. Opening my eyes, I was surprised to see myself prostrate in a pool of blood.

I saw the robber grab the cash and run out of the store. The attendant behind the counter picked up a phone and dialed. "Hello, 911?" she said. "I was just held up by a man with a gun! Send an ambulance quick, a customer was shot!". "I feel just fine" I tried to tell her, but she did not seem to hear me. It was then that I felt myself drifting toward the ceiling. It occurred to me that I must be dead, but instead of panicking a odd sense of calm came over me.

"Now I know for certain there is life after death" I thought. And it appeared as though no shadow demons like in that Ghost movie starring Patrick Swayze were going to show up either, which was a good thing. I continued to float toward the ceiling, and then through it. Before I knew it I was hovering over the roof of the gas station. A bright light appeared in the sky and I involuntarily moved toward it. Clearly it must be the portal to Heaven. I found that if I resisted I could move in any direction I chose, but decided to allow whatever force was guiding me to move me in the direction of the light.

Soon I was there, and found I was correct about it being a portal, but the white light was so intense that I could not see what lay beyond. Whatever force was guiding me nudged me toward the lip of the portal. "I guess I enter the light and see what happens next". And so I did. Instantly I was propelled forward at what must have been a great velocity, although I only deduced that from the visual cues. If not for those it seemed as though I was not moving at all.

I moved rapidly though the tunnel of light... it was very much like how travel though a wormhole as depicted on the television series Stargate SG1 starring that MacGyver dude, Richard Dean Anderson. After what could have been either a few minutes or a few hours, I reached my destination and was ejected from the tube of light. Looking back I saw the tube fold in on itself, forever sealing off the route by which I had arrived here. "Where was here, exactly?" I thought, taking in my new surroundings.

Apparently I was up among the clouds, although this couldn't possibly be the sky above earth, as everything was much too white. White clouds moved against a white background. There appeared to be a solid surface beneath my feet, but I could not see it. I was reminded of that Warren Beatty film, Heaven Can Wait. I hoped an angel didn't appear and tell me I wasn't supposed to be dead... that I had been removed from my body by mistake and was going to be sent back in someone else's body. I wasn't sure I would like that.

Off in the distance I saw a figure moving in my direction. As the figure got closer I saw it was a angelic looking woman who was floating toward me on a beam of light. "I am a representative of the Creator", the angelic green-eyed brunette intoned, her voice sounding almost musical. "Hello", I replied nervously. I considered asking her what the 411 was, but decided against it. Then the angelic woman spoke again, saying "You may call me Monica". No, her voice wasn't musical I decided, instead it sounded like she had a faint Irish accent.

"Someone called Jerry told you that the Ancient Aliens TV program is no less believable that the Bible. The Heavenly Father wants you to know that simply isn't the case. Most of what is said on that program is far from the truth, while the opposite is true when it comes to the Bible" Monica said. "How odd" I thought. Odd that God would want to impart to me some information regarding a TV show. Also odd that most of it is far from the truth. Which must mean that some of it is close to the truth? "That is correct" the woman said, obviously reading my mind.

Something else suddenly occurred to me, so I decided to ask her about it instead of pursuing the Ancient Aliens mystery any further (at least not now). "Aren't my dead relatives supposed to be the ones who greet me?", I inquired. "Usually that is the case", Monica confirmed, "but you are not here to stay. You were not supposed to die in the gas station convenience store". "So you're sending me back", I said, barely believing my Heaven Can Wait guess was accurate.

"No, this isn't like Heaven Can Wait", Monica said, correcting me. Nor is it like Touched by an Angel, despite my name being Monica. "Huh?" I replied. "I've never seen that particular program. I've heard of it, but never watched even one episode". "Sorry" I added, thinking she might be offended that I wasn't a viewer of a program about angels. Monica explained... "by coincidence the main character of that program and I have the same name". But she reconsidered going into further detail. "Never mind. It isn't important".

"You're to be sent back in the body of a canine, like in the Chevy Chase film Oh! Heavenly Dog". "Really?" I incredulously replied. "No, that was a joke", Monica said, laughing. "You are being sent back in your own body. As for why... it just isn't your time. You were supposed to heed the advice of the mayor of New York and pass on that Big Gulp". "I was thirsty" I protested. Monica silenced me with a wave of her hand. "There is more you must know before returning", Monica said before pausing briefly.

"What the extraterrestrials told you is accurate. Your destiny is to play a small but not insignificant role in the salvation of humanity. Now, before that bit of information causes your ego to swell, let me emphasize the word SMALL. Your blog will convince a few MORE important individuals that they should get politically active and support Progressive causes. They will go on to play a greater role in the eternal struggle of good versus evil".

"Also, a warning" Monica said with a very serious look on her face. "There are those who want to stop you. That is why you decided to buy that large soda. A suggestion was planted in your head by those who wish you ill. These dark forces cannot manifest themselves in the physical world, but there are other methods by which they can influence events in the mortal realm. You must learn to identify when they are attempting to intervene and cause you harm, and ignore their suggestions in the future. Just listen to your gut and you should be OK".

"I will be not be permitted to help you again", Monica said. "At least not this ham handedly. I know you have many more questions, but that is all I can tell you. Now it is time for you to return". As Monica finished speaking a bright light appeared behind her. "This is the portal back to the world of the living" she explained, turning to face a brightly glowing disc. "But, I have so many more questions", I almost protested, but could not as Monica rudely shoved me into the portal before I could speak again.

A blindingly bright light engulfed me, and I expected I would soon be whizzing along a Stargate-like wormhole once again. Instead an overhead light appeared, and I realized I was flat on my back. A man wearing a surgical mask touched a electrical paddle to my chest, shocking me. "His heart has resumed beating" a nurse said. "He's back", the doctor confirmed, sounding relieved.

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