Friday, April 05, 2013

Violently Nuts Liberal Wanted by Fuzz for Assault

Keep violence in the mind where it belongs ~ Brian Aldiss (dob 8/18/1925) an English writer and anthologies editor, best known for science fiction novels and short stories.

"I never took you for a jingoistic racist", William Hartenbaum said, addressing his friend Joe Truth. Both were sitting on stools in the bar area of The Quarry, a posh restaurant on the outskirts of town. William took a sip of his white wine, and then one more, emptying the glass. "I'll have another", William instructed the bartender.

"I don't follow", a clearly confused Joe responded. "You just told me you were strongly leaning toward manufacturing your Big Boob Headphones in the United States using union labor", William reminded his friend.

"Yes", Joe acknowledged. "These would be high end headphones manufactured with pride in the US. It would be a selling point. The extra labor costs would be offset by lower shipping expenses, as they wouldn't have to be imported from a foreign country. And, most importantly, don't forget the Big Boobs angle. This is how I'm going to get the male consumer to pay a premium. The profit margin will be high enough to easily absorb the extra cost of union labor".

"That is the reasoning I was referring to as jingoistic", William explained. "Opposition to sending our chimpanzee jobs overseas is based in a racist bigotry against foreign people. Demonizing them because they are capable of working more efficiently than Americans. Why overpay lazy American workers when profits can be maximized by using less expensive foreign labor?"

"But isn't it racist to suggest foreign workers should get our - as you called them - chimpanzee jobs?", Truth countered. "Not at all", William deflected, dodging his obviously bigoted description of assembly work with a derogatory term and a non-answer. "In any case, I won't invest in your headphones if you insist on using union or US labor. I can't abide stealing profit from investors by overpaying labor me buck", William warned.

"You may be right", Joe agreed. "If I want to be a proper greedy capitalist pig outsourcing production is the route I may have to go", Joe reasoned. "Let's, for the sake of argument, suppose I go with foreign labor. How much would you be willing to invest?", he asked. William smiled, satisfied that Joe was coming around to his way of thinking. "How about 5 million to start, for which I'd only ask you to split the profits 50-50 with me", William suggested.

After thinking it over for awhile, Joe said, "there are a few other potential investors I want to speak with first, but your offer leads the pack so far. Now, on another topic, I'm sorry that my attempt to broker a peace between you and Dervish failed. He was here at The Quarry last night, but left as soon as he learned that I wanted you and him to sit down and work out your differences".

"Actually I ran into him in the parking lot", William revealed. "Now get this, my friend Tony Hawkins was with me, and when I asked Dervish to come back inside and talk, he assaulted Tony with a stun gun! And Tony did nothing to provoke such a brutal attack. I called an ambulance and rode with Tony to the hospital where he got checked out. Luckily he's OK, but your Liberal buddy Dervish is in a LOT of trouble. Tony works for the police, and assulting an officer of the law is a serious crime. Tony's partner Smurf Jones told me that Dervish is going to be arrested and charged".

"Wow. I guess Dervish is even more nuts than I knew. I thought he was harmless; I had no idea he was VIOLENTLY nuts", an astonished Joe replied. "For Christ!" William exclaimed. "Dervish is a violent paranoid. But, although he may very well be insane, he's going to jail, not to a mental hospital".

Just then the door to the back room behind the bar opened and Slade Leeds, The Quarry's owner, walked in. "Are you two discussing someone named Dervish?" he asked resting the palms of his hands on the bar. "I got a call from an attorney this morning informing me that I was being sued. Something about one of my chefs doing inappropriate things to Dervish's dinner and Dervish being assaulted in the parking lot by that same chef along with some of his friends, including YOU, William".

"This is what I meant when I called Dervish paranoid", responded William. "I was only trying to talk to the guy, and he violently attacked my friend Tony. No need to worry about being sued, Slade. Dervish is going to be arrested later today, as he is the one who did the attacking. And, not only that, but the person he assaulted is a police officer!". "That is reassuring", Slade responded. "By the way, the lawyer said the chef was Dennis Marks. Isn't he a friend of yours William?".

"Yea, I know the guy", William said. "And, yes, he was outside taking a smoke break. We were speaking when I noticed Dervish and approached him, but Dennis went back inside before the altercation", William dishonestly recounted. "So, I take it that this Dervish fellow fabricated the entire incident", Slade reasoned. "Just about", William affirmed. "There was an encounter, but Dervish is lying about everything else".

"Awesome", Slade sighed, obviously relieved. "Not that I was worried. I knew my good friend William would never be involved in such a thing. Think you can stick about for awhile? My lawyer should be here soon and I want him to hear what really happened direct from the source". William nodded his head, answering, "sure thing".

"You have to be careful when serving the public. You never know what kind of crazy will walk through your doors", Slade declared. "I'm going to have some cameras installed in both the front and rear parking lots ASAP. That way nothing like this will ever happen again. Anyway, I thought it was your word against his, but seeing as it's your word AND the word of a law enforcement officer against his, I can't see this lawsuit going anywhere". "Absolutely", William replied. "That clown Dervish is going to be sorry he messed with us".

"What did Dervish say the chef did to his meal?" a previously silent Joe Truth asked. "He says it was drugged, but that the waiter mixed up the plates and you got the one that contained a sedative", Slade replied. "I did fall asleep after my meal", a befuddled Joe remarked.

"A-ha", William pronounced, feigning shock. "Clearly that means this was a set up from the get go. Dervish must have slipped the sedative into your drink while you weren't looking", William pretended to deduce. "Sadly, I think you may be right", a gullible Joe Truth lamented.

SWTD #132, PIF #16.

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