Joe The Liar's Series of Unfortunate Events

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience -- Source of quote unknown.

Joe Truth sat down on a wooden crate next to the dumpster where he had just dove for his evening meal. The mattress-sized piece of cardboard he would use for his bed that evening was propped against the wall behind the garbage receptacle. This area in the alleyway behind a fast food establishment was, for the time being, the place Joe was calling home. Joe opened a Styrofoam container and proceeded to chow down on one of the stiff dried out burgers the dumpster had yielded.

Joe scratched at his scruffy flea-infested beard, contemplating the troubles that had lead to his homelessness. It all started when he foolishly submitted the wrong headphone specs to the manufacturing plant in Vietnam. Specs that were based on the likeness of a famous actress from whom Joe had neglected to receive any kind of authorization.

For that reason he was sued by his only investor, William Hartenbaum. William was furious with Joe when he was served with a court order demanding the headphones be destroyed. William threatened to destroy Joe for his shitheadedness, and he had.

Joe's lawyer tried to convince the judge that his submitting the wrong design specs was just a dumb mistake and not willful or malicious, so he would be able to discharge the remainder of his debt to William by filing for bankruptcy, but William's high-priced team of lawyers argued otherwise... and the judge ruled against him! After liquidating all his assets -- and paying William what he could -- he was still several hundred thousand dollars shy!

A short while later Joe started drinking and soon lost his job. Then his wife left him... and took his beagle Dudley with her! With nothing left to live for Joe contemplated suicide, but he was too much of a coward to follow through. That's when he started performing sex acts for money. Every day Joe found himself giving dozens of strange men oral pleasure simply so he could get money to shoot up with heroin. Joe had no doubt that if this went on much longer he would end up dead, which would be fine by him.

Suddenly the back door to the burger joint burst open and the franchise owner appeared. Pumping his shot gun he growled, "get out from behind my establishment or I'll fill your hide with buckshot, you worthless vagrant". Joe left as quickly as he was able. Not knowing where to go he wandered the neighborhood. It began to rain lightly, then heavily. Soon poor Joe was soaked to the bone. Passing by his old house Joe noticed the for sale sign that had been placed in his front lawn was missing.

Curious, Joe decided to peak in a window. What he saw shocked him. Inside he recognized the man that had ruined his life, William Hartenbaum. William was sitting on his couch, his beagle Dudley at his feet... and Mrs. Truth sitting next to him! Joe couldn't believe it when they started to make out. After a while Joe and the former Mrs. Truth moved to the bedroom where they quickly undressed and jumped into bed. A horrified Joe Truth could not watch as William made wild passionate love to his ex-wife. From her moans of pleasure it was clear she was enjoying herself quite a bit.

A sickened Joe sat down next to the bedroom window and puked up the old burgers he had eaten earlier. Dusk was approaching, so Joe decided to use the tool shed in the backyard to get some shuteye out of the rain. Using a bag of bird seed as a pillow and a canvas tarp as a blanket, Joe curled up on the floor and tried to go to sleep.

Early the next morning Joe opened the door of the shed and walked by the bedroom window. Inside his wife was fast asleep in the arms of William, her head resting on his chest. "Damn him!" an angry Joe muttered. Walking around to the front of the house Joe saw William's Ferrari in the driveway. Grabbing a pointed rock Joe started scratching the crap out of the cherry red paint job.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing!" a surprised William shouted when he looked out the front window and saw a filthy homeless man scratching his car. Running out the front door he swung and punched the hated bum as hard as he could in the nose. Joe screamed in pain as blood spurted from his shattered schnoz. Weak from hunger Joe was unable to fight back as William continued to pummel him with his fists. "Please stop!" Joe begged, but William swung and knocked out all his front teeth.

Joe fell to the ground and lay there not moving as William commenced kicking him violently in the chest and gut with steel-toed boots. Also a few times in the crotch, pulverizing his genitals. Joe felt his ribs crack with the next kick; after that he blacked out. Was this the end? Joe hoped it was. He wouldn't be around to see it, but if William was arrested for his murder... at least that would be something.

Image: Joe Truth examines William Hartenbaum's Ferrari before picking up a rock to scratch it.

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