Princess Poppy Pearce of Hlūdrīce swung her legs out from under her silk bedsheets, her dainty bare feet touching the stone tile beside her large four-poster bed. The morning sun streamed in through her bedchamber window on the third floor of castle Pearce, her ancestral home.
She smiled as she anticipated the coming day. Her dreams had been pleasant -- a reminiscence of her recent vacation to the Pleasure Dimension and her dalliance with the handsome prince from an Elles Weorold. Though he said the correct term was Tellus. This had been her first trip, but she left determined to return, despite the steep cost.
At first her father, Brytenwalda Phillip Pearce, was quite angry when he discovered how much of his wealth she had spent. Then he sighed.
"Anything for my beloved daughter, my most precious possession". He pondered the problems this caused. Then arrived at a solution. "I shall issue a royal decree increasing taxes on the citizens of Hlūdrīce". He called for the royal scribe to draft an executive order for delivery to the council of nobles.
"That's more like it!" Poppy screamed. At first she was concerned that she would have to scold her father for his irrationality. She deserved the finest things in life, including a week's vacation in The Voluptatem Dimensionem (the Pleasure Dimension). A place where a person's hedonistic desires could be indulged in... for a price.
She had not even been aware that Elles Weorolds (alternate dimensions) existed until recently. Her friend, a daughter of one of the realm's most wealthy nobles, clued her in.
"It's the most exclusive club in existence", Lady Serena Hlūdmeolc, daughter of the Duke of Hlūdmeolc claimed.
Intrigued, Poppy decided she had to know more. Soon she found herself initiated into the Voluptas Clava and the existence of Elles Weorolds was revealed. This was a secret that must not ever be disclosed to a commoner, she was told. It was a secreto, that, if betrayed, would bring down on her consequences most severe.
She swore the oath and, after paying a large fee, was accepted into the Voluptas Clava (The Pleasure Club). And, after visiting the royal vault and making a large withdraw, embarked upon her first trip to the Pleasure Dimension.
"I'm ready for my eternal spring water spritz", Poppy informed the attendant. She had previously emerged from her hot oil bath, then received a full body massage from a hunky male aasimar. He kneaded her in all the right places.
"I recommend the eternal spring water spritz", he remarked. "To maintain your astonishing beauty".
Poppy read the brochure and decided this sounded like a very good idea. According to the literature, aqua aeterna granted eternal beauty. Not eternal youth, but the appearance of it. That was as per the fine print, which she read. Still this seemed like a worthwhile purchase.
The attendant smiled approvingly. "I should mention that it is exorbitantly expensive".
Poppy frowned. How dare this mere servant suggest that a VIP such as herself could not afford this magical spritz?
The attendant noticed her frown. "I hear you are a princess. Surely the cost is of no concern to you".
"You got that right", Poppy agreed.
Then an account appeared. A blue aasimar woman materialized in a puff of smoke. After dismissing the attendant the woman informed Poppy that the funds in her account were running low.
Poppy felt like slapping the woman. Though she previously read in the manual that such actions would result in a lifetime ban.
The aasimar woman pushed up her glasses with a finger, then stared at a parchment she had brought with her. "The issue is the somnium gemma you ordered".
Poppy remembered. The salesman told her the dream gem would allow her to relive her most pleasant memories in her dreams. Guaranteed for a lifetime. Upon hearing this she concluded she had to have this gem. Though the choice wasn't between the gem and the spritz. She wanted both, but the cost of the magic water was more than she guessed might be in the entire Pearce royal treasury.
"I can easily afford this", she insisted. Though the accountant didn't seem to believe her. "But I won't pay such an outrageous sum. This is highway robbery!"
Poppy dismissed her. "I just gave a large amount to the orphans", she explained. That sounded plausible. Were there orphans in Hlūdrīce? She thought she remembered that someone told her there were. But that wasn't her concern. It was likely an issue for the council of nobles.
Despite not wanting to depart, her time in Pleasure Dimension was ending. Why she accepted delivery of the somnium gemma. Even though the cost depleted the funds in her account to a negative amount.
"I'm good for it", she assured the accountant aasimar. She signed the promissory note that included full payment in 30 days. With a high amount of interest added to the total. Her father would want her to have this, she reasoned. Her birthday was coming up.
But the somnium gemma, guaranteed for a lifetime, seemed to have malfunctioned. As Princess Poppy sat on the edge of her bed recalling her perfect nocturnal recollections, she realized that, while Poppy and the handsome prince were about to get it on, she could not remember what happened next.
Well, she could remember. She and the handsome prince shared a night of passionate love-making. What she could not remember was reliving it that night. When using the necklace she could relive (via her dreams) past events from her life, experiencing them a second time (or third or fourth time) exactly as they transpired the first time. She could re-experience past events as if they were happening currently.
The night with the prince was a memory she replayed over and over. But the prior night she definitely did not relive this memory in her dreams. Perhaps she should stop payment? She felt around her neck and... to her utter shock, found the gem of dreams was not there. Frantically she searched her royal bed. She stripped off the sheets. Looked underneath her bed base. Removed the mattress. But the gem was gone.
Now she was in a panic. The gem didn't cost a small fortune, it cost an enormous fortune. She began to weep loudly, then she started screaming. This attracted the attention of her personal maid.
A a mousy woman called Beatrice ran into the room. "What is wrong, milady?"
"My dream gem!" Poppy cried, placing her head on the woman's shoulder. Then she thought, what if this peasant stole my gem? She was on call 24-7. In case Poppy suffered any night terrors, she needed someone there to console her. Though the gem, in the short time she had it, did eliminate the night terrors completely.
Another reason why she must find it. She dismissed the maid, then called her back. "You stay with me", she said. She didn't want to give the possible thief an opportunity to make her escape. Though, why would she still be here if she had taken her gem?
Beatrice started trembling. "I swear, I don't know what happened to your gem. Perhaps you could ask the royal mage?" She suggested this in an attempt to be helpful.
Poppy agreed that was a good idea. "We must get to the bottom of this!" she shouted. "The gem didn't evaporate into thin air". Poppy was very worried, given the price of the gem.
The royal mage also looked concerned. He had heard the King raging and cursing when he found out how much his daughter spent on it.
The mage thought. "I can consult my orbuculum". Leofwynn Magus Momenti brought forth a sphere made of crystal, carefully placing it on an ornate iron stand in the middle of the room. "You say you had your expensive necklace when you retired to your bedchamber last night?"
Poppy affirmed that she did.
"A revelare praeterita to reveal the past should work". Clouds swirled within the ball of crystal and coalesced into a scene. Very clearly Poppy could see her bedchamber.
A thought occurred to the princess. "You use this to spy on me? You naughty boy!"
Leofwynn protested. "I would never think of doing such a thing!"
Then, as Poppy, Beatrice and Leofwynn gazed into the crystallum, they saw the events of the previous evening play out. Poppy entered her bedchamber. The moon, visible though her oriel window, shown brightly. Poppy readied herself for bed. She undressed and stood before a full length mirror.
"Look at me", she said aloud, admiring her nude body. "I don't need aqua aeterna. I'm gorgeous!"
Then she called for Beatrice. Beatrice entered the room carrying a silver bucket and several towels. After washing her mistress, the maid helped Poppy into her nightgown.
"I may leave now?" Beatrice asked after tucking Poppy into bed.
"Lay beside me. I insist". Then she smiled. "Please?"
Beatrice complied and, after some time passed, both fell asleep. Or Beatrice did.
"I need to relieve some tension", Poppy remarked, looking over at the snoring Beatrice. She reached between her legs and began to pleasure herself.
Though under the covers, those observing via the crystallum could tell by the look on her face when Poppy orgasmed. And they could hear her moans as she continued pleasuring herself.
"Erm...", Leofwynn muttered nervously.
Poppy smiled. "You're sure you never spied on me previously and observed my nighttime ritual?"
Leofwynn protested. "Of course not". Though he didn't look away. He watched, engaged, until the past Poppy (as shown in the crystallum) orgasmed a second, and then a third time.
"I might not mind if you did", Poppy remarked, grinning wider.
After that, the past Poppy fell sound asleep.
The impatient princess wondered how long this was going to take. "This plays out in real time?"
Leofwynn confirmed that it did. So they continued to watch. A hour later the Beatrice in the crystallum woke and, being careful not to disturb her mistress, tiptoed out of the bedchamber. She did not swipe her slumbering mistresses' necklace.
Again they waited. Then, approximately 20 minutes later, they all saw it. A figure wearing a dark cloak slipped though the oriel window. Moving with the grace of a cat, the small figure approached the soundly slumbering princess and gingerly removed the necklace from around her neck. Then, mere seconds later, the figure departed.
Poppy was alarmed by what she saw. "A child stole my necklace?"
Leofwynn scratched his chin. "No, I would say that likely was a halfling woman".
Poppy exploded in a visceral rage, swearing and screaming for several minutes. The head of security was summoned and informed of what happened. Poppy screamed at him for a while, threating his job and then his life if he did not hunt down the thief and retrieve the gem.
Then the absurdity of what she had just seen hit her. The figure snuck in quietly with extreme stealth. Nobody behaved in this manner in Hlūdrīce (which was also known as The Loud Realm). She pondered for a while what she had seen. Could this thief be someone from the nearby kingdom known as The Silent Land?
Ward Wearde, the head of security and a former military man, agreed it could. "Those whispering bastards!" he exclaimed loudly. "I swear on my life I will hunt down this thief and retrieve your property, Gyden Paloma".
"I should think so", Poppy huffed. "Given that your lax security explains how this happened". On the other hand, she thought, who would have ever guessed that a Swīgeland caitiff would have the audacity to pilfer from the daughter of Brytenwalda Pearce? This was a hanging offense, of that the thief should surely be aware.
Ward suggested that they investigate and, after doing so, found proof he was certain would lead to the culprits. "I have discovered evidence that there were at least 4 of them", he announced when Poppy tracked him down later that afternoon.
"The royal tracker, Findan Nedoute, says he can locate the thieves. He is the ripsnortingest tracker in the land. In fact, he has already set out. He told me that he will leave markers for us to follow until we catch up. The horses are ready and we can depart immediately. With your leave".
Poppy pondered the situation. This necklace was her most valued possession and its retrieval was of utmost importance to her. Therefore, she concluded, she must head the operation to reclaim it herself.
"You, Constable of the Keep Wearde and Magus Momenti Leofwynn shall both accompany me. And we should bring some servicemen with us as well. For my protection".
Ward Wearde, an older, yet extremely fit man in his 60s, protested. "Your father won't hear of it!"
"Pish posh", Poppy proclaimed. "That's not your concern. He will agree. Give me a half hour to prepare. And have my horse ready".
Poppy returned to her bedchamber and packed some belongings. Then she shouted a prayer to Giellan The Hlūd, chief among the screaming deities.
Surely Giellan would hear her plea and grant her request. Soon her deore gim would be back in her possession. And the halfling that took it would pay dearly. Along with anyone else involved in the theft.
Notes: Princess Paloma "Poppy" Pearce resides in the kingdom of Hlūdrīce (aka The Loud Realm in Old English) which is adjacent to Swīgeland aka The Silent Land (Old English translations). Epulae Sumptuosae translates from Latin as "sumptuous/extravagant banquet/feast".
swtd-448. absurd-2. Analysis. Previous. Next.
