The initial idea was to make something cheap and marketable. Nudity is definitely marketable -- Jon Gorman, director of the 2007 comedy Bikini Bloodbath.
"I did a small amount of acting many years ago", I said, explaining why the young woman had just asked for my autograph. The puzzled look on Janeane Garner's face remained. I took the DVD and a sharpie from the woman and signed it. She smiled, thanked me, and departed. "I didn't know you were an actor", Janeane exclaimed. "Not really" I replied. "I only had a few small non-speaking roles. There was however, one film where I actually had a few lines... but it ended up being shelved and was never released".
Janeane handed me my soda and cheeseburger, which she had just purchased inside the Burger King while I sat at an outside table. My head was spinning and I needed to sit down for a short while to recover. The vertigo was a consequence of a brutal beating I had endured a few months ago. "Thanks", I said grabbing the soda and cheeseburger. "I take it this is a caffeine free soda?" I asked. "My doctor said that I shouldn't drink anything with caffeine in it".
"Yes, I remember" Janeane sighed. "Anyway, back to this acting thing. If the only film in which you had speaking role was never released, how is it that you have fans?" Janeane asked, obviously very interested. "It's actually not something I like to talk about", I protested. But I could tell from Janeane's expression that she wasn't going to leave me alone until I spilled the beans. "OK, I'll tell you" I said reluctantly, "but this stays strictly between you and me". Janeane nodded her head, indicating agreement.
"More than two decades ago I was in a direct-to-video movie. My scene, which involved some nudity, was deemed gratuitous and cut. But the film ended up not being released anyway. The woman who asked for my autograph asked me to sign - and I don't know how it got out there -- a bootleg copy of the original cut of the movie".
"Wait a minute -- you're not saying that it was YOU who did a nude scene, are you?" Janeane asked incredulously. "Yes, I was nude in that scene, but so was the female lead, a famous actress you've probably heard of. I played a man she met in a bar and took home for a one-night stand. The director decided to cut the scene to avoid an NC-17 rating. The movie still would have been rated R, however, due to the excessive violence and profanity. From what I've heard, that is why it ended up not being released. Just as the film was being finished, the independent studio was sold to a large corporation, and it was the bigwigs there that decided to shelve it".
"Who was the famous actress" Janeane naturally inquired. "It was Geena Davis", someone who was not me answered. Apparently some jerk had been listening in on our conversation. I turned around and was shocked to see Smurf Jones, a detective with the local police department (although not really). "Jones, why the hell are you still following me" I demanded to know.
"I didn't get the Soros funding, so, mission accomplished". This was the a*shole who, along with his partner, had administered the beating. Although it was the pistol-whipping I received from Tony Hawkins which was the cause of my vertigo.
"I have investigated you thoroughly, Dervish" Smurf Jones responded with a creepy smile on his face. "I own a copy of that bootleg DVD, and I must say I find the scene in question very stimulating, if you get my drift". "Eeewww. That's sick" Janeane exclaimed.
"That reminds me", Jones continued. "I heard about another movie that Davis appears topless in. It's called There Will be Blood, starring Daniel Day-Lewis. He's the dude, as I understand it, who won an award portraying a crippled spaz who can do artsy-fartsy things with his left foot. While I have no interest in gay Liberal movies, I'm willing to give this one a shot for the nudity alone".
"I was just on my way to rent it when I spotted you sitting here. So, to answer your question, no, I'm not following you, this is just a chance encounter. Today is my day off".
While Jones had been talking I fumbled to find a certain item in my jacket pocket. "First of all", I said "you're a bigot, and secondly, Geena Davis isn't in that movie. I've seen it, and it contains no nudity what-so-ever. I know what blog you're talking about, and that guy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. And lastly", I said, withdrawing the item from my pocket and holding it up for Jones to see, "...this is the Stun Master. At 4.5 million volts, it's one of the most powerful stun guns available. I won't hesitate to use it if you make a move to assault me again".
Jones did not look intimidated. "I'd put that away if I were you" he cautioned. "Simply threatening a officer of the law is an arrestable offense. I won't warn you again. And, by the way, I was going to swing by your office tomorrow. You still need to pay the court costs associated with your failed lawsuit. If you don't pay up soon I'm going to have to inform the judge. Either he'll order your arrest, or have your wages garnished. I favor doing both".
Jones was referring to the lawsuit I had filed against him, his partner Tony Hawkins, and Tannis Protection (the private security firm the Emergency Financial Manager hired when he privatized the local police department). The judge cited a lack of evidence and dismissed the lawsuit. And then he ordered me to pay all costs associated with the case. Which meant I currently owed Tannis Protection three thousand dollars! This was in addition to my mounting medical bills.
"Screw you Jones", I sputtered angrily. "Luckily Hawkins' pistol whipping just resulted in post-traumatic vertigo. My doctor said he thinks I'll gradually recover over the next couple of months. But I'm not taking the chance of your next assault killing me. I'll drop you, damn the consequences. I'm not taking any chances with my life. And, regarding your plans to visit my office -- you're banned from the building".
"I'm sorry Dervish, but you're wrong regarding that point, and you know it. Your lawyer brought this up during the trial and the judge told him and you that your employers must grant Tannis Protection access your workplace. Although I don't know how the hell anyone can earn a living working (if you want to call it that) at a Liberal think tank. But, you'll probably be out of a job after that clueless community organizer is bounced out of office in 2012. Thanks to your party's running up of the national debt which has held back an economic recovery... the American people will vote overwhelmingly for whoever the Republican nominee is. My bet's on Perry".
"But don't worry", Jones assured me. "I won't be stopping by your office tomorrow. You've been warned. You have until the end of the week to pay the bill sent to you by the court". With that, Jones rose from his seat and walked away, leaving me seething with anger.
Mystere Fakes: Deep Secret 12/23/2023. Same Title 3/24/2024.
swtd-99. pif-11. Previous. Next.
