Friday, November 25, 2011

William the Moderate Loses His Manhood (Suri's Revenge)

What do you call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, magnanimity, forgiveness? Different results of the one master impulse: the necessity of securing one's self-approval ~ Mark Twain (11/30/1835 to 4/21/1910) born Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Twain was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for his novels, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876), and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called "the Great American Novel".

The virtually nude female sat astride an enormous black panther, but it was no D&D fantasy. She had the face of a minotaur and a body to match. "Hey there handsome stranger", she snarled. "Who me?" William Hartenbaum replied. "Yea, you" she sneered. William didn't like the way the lady minotaur sneered at him. To him it appeared as though she was leering! William, having no desire to mate with an ugly, smelly half-cow, half-woman, turned and ran for his life.

The lady minotaur, still astride the giant panther, easily ran down poor William. The Dungeon Master rolled his 20-sided die and declared, "You failed your strength check (so it actually WAS a D&D fantasy). The lady minotaur successfully mates with you". "Damn you Slade!" William shouted, throwing down his dice in disgust.

"Our child will probably be uglier than Suri Cruise!" Suri Cruise the deformed female wizard was the character controlled by Joan Myste (and named after Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter).

"Suri Cruise watches from afar in amusement" Joan Myste declared, snickering. "Why didn't you cast a spell to save me", William demanded, turning to Joan Myste. "My character laughs at your pain" Joan Myste responded. "She still harbors deep resentment over the incident during which your carelessness caused her facial disfigurement". "How was I to know giant panther urine is caustic?" William asked. "Who stomps on a cache of frozen panther urine?" Joan Myste retorted.

"OK", said the DM, "The lady minotaur has finished mating with you and now prepares to devour your dong, which is the custom with minotaurs. I mean this literally by the way. I'm not talking about a BJ". Looking quite frustrated, William exclaimed, "I remove the dagger I have hidden in my boot and gut the minotaur". Rolling his dice the DM says, "Sorry William, but you fail your dexterity check. The lady minotaur knocks the dagger from your hand and chomps down on your manhood, severing it completely. She proceeds to wolf it down". "Owe, that must hurt!" Joan Myste laughed.

"I cast a mass sleep spell centered on the minotaur" Joan Myste said. "So now you act, after I've been emasculated!" William shouted angrily. Slade rolled his dice and then announced, "the lady minotaur, the giant panther, and William the Moderate all fail their saving throws and fall fast asleep".

"I drag William's body to safety and leave the lady minotaur in peace. Then I sling William's limp body over the back of my horse and ride back to camp". "Thus the encounter ends, so sayeth Slade the DM. Evening arrives and William the Moderate continues to slumber. The next morning he awakens to a great pain in his groin. A strange man hovers over him. The man informs William that he is the local physician. William looks down and sees his private area (minus his dong) crudely stitched together".

Glaring angrily at Slade, William growled, "I jump to my feet and attack Suri with my broadsword". "Why would you do that?" the DM inquired. "Your character isn't aware that Suri could have saved you from being raped by the lady minotaur. As far as you know she arrived as quickly as she could". "That's right" Joan Myste agreed. "That's what I tell William's character. I came to his rescue as quickly as I could. He should be thanking Suri".

SWTD #100, PIF #12, WTM #1.

3 comments:

  1. A magnificent anachronism. Will the Moderate has neither a penis or vagina now. He is truly in the middle.


    Outstanding post on an outstanding blog WD. I tip my cyber hat to you good sir.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Could that be why Will the Moderate says;

    Fuck you and fuck your family, too.

    to a blogger he cannot refute?

    My Family?

    What did my 15 year old daughter ever do to poor poor misunderstood Will?

    I won't ask about my older daughter currently deploying to Afghanistan, she has much more important things to deal with then a thin skinned, egotistical, narcissistic blogger like will the moderate.

    ReplyDelete
  3. God! I hope that Myste character is more faithful when it is my turn to be emasculated!

    I have been away for many days, but it sounds like I missed much.

    Not sure what happened, but I am on William's side, God bless her.

    ReplyDelete

Unfortunately comment moderation is necessary in order to screen out insanity from an idiot calling himself "Luke" of the "Words And Music" blog (a liar who has made bogus accusations that many others are stealing his posts) as well as homophobic hate from TOM of the blog "Stay A While" (actually the same person).