William the Moderate Loses His Manhood -- Suri's Revenge

What do you call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, magnanimity, forgiveness? Different results of the one master impulse: the necessity of securing one's self-approval -- Mark Twain (11/30/1835 to 4/21/1910).

A nude female sits astride an enormous black panther, but this is no D&D fantasy. The female has the face of a minotaur and a body to match. "Hey there handsome stranger", she snarls. "Who me?" William Hartenbaum replies. "Yea, you" she sneers. William didn't like the way the lady minotaur sneered at him. To him it appeared as though she was leering! William, having no desire to mate with an ugly, smelly half-cow, half-woman, turns and runs for his life.

The lady minotaur, still astride the giant panther, easily runs down poor William. The Dungeon Master rolls his 20-sided die and declares, "You fail your strength check (so it actually WAS a D&D fantasy). The lady minotaur successfully mates with you". "Damn you Slade!" William shouts, throwing down his dice in disgust.

"Our child will probably be uglier than Suri Cruise!". Suri Cruise the deformed female wizard being the character controlled by Joan Myste (and named after Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter).

"Suri Cruise watches from afar in amusement" Joan Myste declares, snickering. "Why didn't you cast a spell to save me", William demands, turning to Joan Myste. "My character laughs at your pain" Joan Myste responds. "She still harbors deep resentment over the incident during which your carelessness caused her facial disfigurement". "How was I to know giant panther urine is caustic?" William asks. "Who stomps on a cache of frozen panther urine?" Joan Myste retorts.

"OK", the DM says, "The lady minotaur has finished mating with you and now prepares to devour your dong, which is the custom with minotaurs. I mean this literally by the way. I'm not talking about a BJ". Looking quite frustrated, William exclaims, "I remove the dagger I have hidden in my boot and gut the minotaur". Rolling his dice the DM says, "Sorry William, but you fail your dexterity check. The lady minotaur knocks the dagger from your hand and chomps down on your manhood, severing it completely. She proceeds to wolf it down".

"Owe, that must hurt!" Joan Myste said, laughing. "I cast a mass sleep spell centered on the minotaur" Joan Myste said. "So now you act, after I've been emasculated!" William shouted angrily. Slade rolled his dice and then announced, "the lady minotaur, the giant panther, and William the Moderate all fail their saving throws and fall fast asleep".

"I drag William's body to safety and leave the lady minotaur in peace. Then I sling William's limp body over the back of my horse and ride back to camp". "Thus the encounter ends, so sayeth Slade the DM. Evening arrives and William the Moderate continues to slumber. The next morning he awakens to a great pain in his groin. A strange man hovers over him. The man informs William that he is the local physician. William looks down and sees his private area (minus his dong) crudely stitched together".

Glaring angrily at Slade, William growled, "I jump to my feet and attack Suri with my broadsword". "Why would you do that?" the DM inquired. "Your character isn't aware that Suri could have saved you from being raped by the lady minotaur. As far as you know she arrived as quickly as she could". "That's right" Joan Myste agreed. "That's what I tell William's character. I came to his rescue as quickly as I could. He should be thanking Suri".

Image: The illustration at the top shows Joan Myste taking delight at the predicament William Hartenbaum's character finds himself in.

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