One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real ~ Klaus Kinski (10/18/1926 to 11/23/1991) a German actor who appeared in over 130 films, and is perhaps best-remembered as a leading role actor in Werner Herzog films.
"I'm sad to see you've sunk to such depths. This cannot be good for your mental health", the Liberal's life coach cautioned him. "You used to tell the truth, but now you're engaging in such depravities. The Right may believe that they are more virtuous, but they approve of cutting government programs that benefit the less fortunate. Private charities and individual giving will fill the gap, they say, even though the fact is that's a bunch of hooey".
"I'm sorry, but you can't appeal to the good nature of an individual who's morally depraved", the Liberal responded. "By the way, you're fired. Morally depravity is quite expensive and I can no longer afford your services. The booze, the women and the fine dining now consume all my discretionary income". "That is unfortunate", the life coach lamented. "Please get in touch with me if you ever decide to resurrect your former persona whose primary concern was spreading the truth".
"I will do that", the Liberal agreed. "I'm so schizophrenic that I may just circle around again to that personality". "That guy seriously needs help", the life coach thought to himself as the Liberal departed. "He didn't mention any harder drugs, but often times those are the substances morally depraved individuals will partake in. Perhaps I should contact his friends and family and set up an intervention".
Then the life coach remembered he had just been fired. "That Liberal may have been a good customer for awhile, but I don't work for free". He then put the troubles of the Liberal out of his head and promised himself that he'd concentrate on solving the problems of paying customers.
After engaging in morally depraved acts for several weeks the Liberal felt that he had been laid low. "I believe the saying, only the good die young, was most likely total bullsh*t propagated by sinners practicing the morally depraved lifestyle", the Liberal informed his doctor when asked what ailed him. "I agree with your diagnosis", the doctor responded. "However, you've been late in paying your bills, and my advice isn't free", the doctor continued. "Unfortunately I'm going to have to ask you to leave right now unless you can settle your account in cash".
"That's the solution!", the Liberal declared, jumping off the examining table and rushing out the door. Later he met with his stockbroker. "I've decided to become a greedy capitalist pig", the Liberal announced. "That's the spirit", the stockbroker shouted gleefully. "I've pooled my remaining funds and now hand everything over to you", the Liberal said, presenting the stockbroker with a suitcase filled with cash. "The winners I've selected are written on a piece of paper inside", he instructed. "Buy those stocks and we will both be rich men".
"Wouldn't you rather rely on my advice? That is what you're paying me for", the bewildered stockbroker queried. "I would not", the Liberal responded. "As you recall I am now a greedy capitalist pig, and as everyone knows - the system is rigged in our favor. The stocks I've selected will surely increase in value".
"If you say so, the stockbroker responded. Just remember that I get paid my commission either way". "Have faith", the Liberal reassured his financial expert. "I used to be an ayatollah, and it just so happens that I can still access those lines of communication. This information comes from on high".
"Plus", he revealed, "all one really has to do is examine what the Congressional Republicans are up to. Who are they voting against ending subsidies for? Which industries are they proposing be further deregulated? From which lobbyists are they receiving the most donations? The corporations that the Republicans favor will be the businesses that I buy stock in. In other words, if you can't beat em, make money with em".
The Liberal exited the room, leaving the stockbroker alone with the suitcase of money. "That guy's kukoo", the stockbroker thought to himself. "Still, let me check and see if his selections are any good". A smile crept over his face after opening the suitcase and examining the list. "Clearly that Liberal has successfully completed the transformation into a greedy capitalist pig".
Several weeks later the Liberal rolled up to his former place of worship in a brand new sports car. "I've decided to make a sizable donation to ease my conscience", the Liberal informed his pastor. "I was under the impression that you had forsaken your faith", the pastor responded. "After enjoying a life of debauchery for awhile I eventually decided to renounce all my vices except one", the Liberal admitted.
"As you probably deduced from the expensive sports car I arrived in, I am doing very well. I am now a greedy capitalist pig". "I am sorry to hear that", the Liberal's pastor consoled him. "As you know, being a Liberal myself (as was Jesus) I do not teach the prosperity gospel. That's a Conservative fairy tale Republicans use to justify their greed".
"I'm not looking to justify my greed, I'm only interested in mollifying my guilty conscience - hence the sizable donation". "I will accept your donation, as it will help alleviate the suffering of my many parishioners affected by this conservative-caused recession. I will also pray for your soul. May you once again spread the truth instead of succumbing to delusions of being a judge, an ayatollah, or a lord. May you also cease your acts of moral depravity" the pastor intoned, laying his hands upon the downtrodden Liberal.
"I believe you have lost your way, my son", the holy man remarked. "Otherwise you wouldn't have concluded that the Conservatives cannot be beat. Our creator said, For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth. In our time it is Rich Republican a-holes who are the evildoers that passage refers to", the pastor explained. "Why, I've never heard you speak like this from the pulpit!", the surprised Liberal exclaimed. "Of course not", the pastor revealed, "I don't want to lose my tax exempt status. I feel free to speak my mind in private, however".
"The only act which will wash away your guilt is for you to return to your former truth-telling ways", the pastor informed the Liberal. "I implore you to take some time and pray on it. If, however, in the meantime you decide to make another sizable donation...". "Thank you for the advice, I will certainly take it under consideration", the Liberal interrupted, pressing a check into the pastor's hand.
"Before you go", the pastor said, taking hold of the Liberal's wrist, "I want to let you know how much I enjoy your blog". The Liberal looked confused. Then he said, "I don't blog. I've never even been online. You must have me mixed up with some other morally depraved former truth teller who became a greedy capitalist pig".
"I guess so, unlikely as that sounds", the disbelieving pastor replied. "Perhaps my advice could help this other individual who traveled a remarkably similar path". "I think it could", the Liberal agreed. "Perhaps you should contact this other lost soul and similarly console him".
"I may do just that", the pastor said - but the Liberal had already gone. Looking out a window the pastor saw the Liberal hop into the front seat of his sports car and take off down the road at what must be a speed that quickly exceeded the legal limit. The pastor turned and sat down in front of his computer, opened a browser window and began surfing the internet.
Update 8/8/2015: The Liberal in this story, Joe Truth (AKA Joe Hagstrom, AKA Joe Kelly, AKA Truth101) has converted to Republicanism. Or, he is currently pretending to be a Republican. Or adopted a Republican persona for purposes of writing humorous commentaries on the website Mad Mike's America.